Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. It’s been a minute but I’m back now, and listening to soulful tracks as I write. I’ve been in the process of preparing for a move, and so writing was not my top priority, but enough of all that; today I want to discuss the murky lines of defining the relationship. I know we have all been in a position where we just don’t know what the fuck we’re doing; is it dating? are we just cooling? are we together? is it just sex?, but I don’t want to just explore that though. It’s stressful enough when you don’t know what it is, but how about when you define the relationship early on, and then one of you don’t stay true to that? Not sure if ya’ll get it so I’ll break it down. You meet someone and they say they just want to date, no strings attached and all is well, but then they catch feelings and want more or start getting possessive, and you’re saying to yourself, “ummmmm I thought we were just chilling you never said you wanted an actual relationship.” Yes, that simple lack of communication in being real and saying how you feel will fuck up the entire thing; then it ends, and one or both parties don’t really understand why.
One of my best friends who may or may not kill me when she reads this, was fresh out of a long-term relationship, and she decided to just “do her”; we all know what that means, she was in a hoe phase of some sort to get over her ex. The crazy thing about hoe phases is that they work if your head is in the right space, but doing it before you heal yourself is messy, and leads to destruction chile. She seemed to have it all under control but then she met a guy that she saw boyfriend potential in. They were suppose to be casually dating, and having sex, but no serious attachment. She didn’t exactly communicate it to him that she was catching feelings; and although she told him in the beginning she didn’t want a relationship, she was mad about him talking to other girls, and mad when he ghosted. Ladies and gents, when you tell someone YOU don’t want something , and YOUR feelings change, communicate that IMMEDIATELY; don’t wait until your heart is full and now you looking crazy and hurt when it could’ve been handled sooner. I myself have been there and learned from it, and I’ve also been on the other side of it, and it’s just as confusing over there.
I dated a guy who knew I didn’t want a serious relationship, but because he knew that decided to fallback when he caught feelings instead of letting me know. I had no clue why he switched up, so eventually I thought he was on games and ended it. It wasn’t until we much later had a conversation, that he told me what was happening; had he said it sooner, who knows where that could have gone. I was also in a situation where I met a guy and we started out as friends then decided to be “bed associates” (my new way of saying fuck buddies). When we first tried to hook up I was excited, but then he kissed me and it was trash! I’m someone who appreciates a good kisser, and so this was a turn off to me. At that point in my life I wasn’t about to teach a dude how to kiss, we were too damn old for that! I decided to not have sex and take a nap instead, but I’m a cuddle bug so he was confused. Eventually, I was gonna tell him I just wanted to be friends but he thought I wanted a relationship and ghosted hard. He would see me on campus and act like I didn’t exist ya’ll. I didn’t care but it was weird that instead of talking to me to see how I felt, he just ASSUMED I wanted him to be my man, boy bye!
I know I always bring up the importance of communication but my word is bond, it is crucial to communicate your feelings in the beginning, and when they change. Talking saves relationships and friendships, and it also ends them on better terms. I know most of us were raised around this annoying ass culture of two can play that game, and it may seem like it’s fun, until you’re hurt, end up hurting someone else, or looking a hot ass mess. It’s not healthy to go about things in that way, and hella immature. One of my guy friends who is also my Unicorn (if you haven’t read my Unicorn post, do that!), was the main dude who helped me realize how immature I was with communication, and after I saw that in others I realized what he met. I know when he hears me talk about this shit now he’s thinking, “her ass never listened when I said it”! I will forever be grateful that I had someone patient enough to keep it real with me about how toxic I was, because it forced me to grow, but we don’t all have that luxury so do me a favor ya’ll; when you feel like shutting down, or tripping out talk to yourself first and ask yourself why you’re doing it, and is it justified? Next, have an honest conversation with your partner (no matter what the relationship) , and communicate those feelings, then listen to what they have to say; I mean really listen, don’t just listen to reply but listen to understand, and finally, go from there and define your relationship. Be clear. That’s all I have for today! I’ll be moving next week so most likely there will be another post on colored people time. As always, thanks for reading, and please share!
P.S. This week I have a photo of Mary Jane Paul, one of my favorite TV character aunties played by my fave Gabrielle Union. Anyone who watched Being Mary Jane knew what that character went though with balancing relationships, family, and her career; she was one of the most relatable black women characters for this generation of TV. I will miss the hell out of that show ( it was cancelled); BET where is the movie?! Anyway, if you haven’t watched, check it out on Netflix! Byeeeee!