It’s Love…

Image result for love jones

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. First and foremost, I’m patting myself on the back for finally getting to my first post of 2019! I can’t speak for anyone else but this year started off like a whirlwind, and I’m finally finding my footing again (ouu did y’all peep that alliteration though). Today is Valentines Day, a day filled with “I love you’s,” flowers, candy, expensive dinners, possible great sex, and plenty of single people with no dates at all. Well single people, not having a date or significant other doesn’t mean you can’t participate on this holiday, and you certainly shouldn’t let it get you down. Personally, I’ve always loved Valentines Day, although I get annoyed at people who take it over the top (it’s one day ya’ll gots to chill). I’ve done the fun dates, experienced the lonely valentines day where I binged on rom-coms and ate my favorite pizza, and the V-day where I worked at night and had to kiss my valentine through the phone. No matter what situation I’m in on Valentine’s Day, I refuse to let the day go to waste.

A few years ago for V-day, I went out on a date with this guy I’d been talking to. I got really cute and I was so excited to see what he had planned. I got outside and into his truck and noticed how dressed down he was. He had on these really dated jeans, and a sweatshirt; I guess for him that was dressing up. I had on a dress and my favorite boots, and he just wasn’t matching my fly. We got to dinner and although the food was great, the conversation was non-existent. Have ya’ll ever tried having a conversation with someone and realized they just weren’t on your level intellectually? That’s what happened here, only he had no problem bragging about himself throughout dinner. We finally left the restaurant and headed on over to his place; the only thing on my mind was at least I can get an orgasm out of this. I definitely did, but I also had to deal with a messy room that smelled like an entire can of febreze masking a funky boys locker room. Needless to say, I wanted to be back on campus with my friends attending a program or watching the movie Love Jones (A classic, and if you haven’t seen it step your cookies up and watch that shit, period). Having a date for Valentine’s Day isn’t always wonderful, but it doesn’t have to be negative either. Make sure you’re spending today in a way that makes you happy; do not settle for a mediocre date like I did just to say you have plans, it’s not worth it.

There are so many positives to this holiday whether you’re in a relationship or not. First, there’s deals on deals on deals (because capitalism); the powers that be created this day just so we could spend our hard-earned money or someone else’s. Spending money on Valentines Day is wonderful because there are discounts on EVERYTHING! You can find a bargain on you’re favorite online clothing store, on flowers, cards and candy ( I sang this in my best Usher voice), restaurants with two for one dinners ( for my couples on a budget), and lots of other great adult activities being promoted on groupon. Who doesn’t love saving money? Secondly, if you’re in a relationship or dating it’s the perfect reason to get and give gifts. We all love getting cute gifts, and new shit; we may as well do it over dinner and thank bae during sex later right? Thirdly, and this is for my single fam (we out here), the possibilities of how to spend this day are endless for us (as long as you aren’t working the whole day, and if you are there’s still ways uhkay). As single folks, we can get together with our other single friends to go out and party, have a game night, avoid having to spend money on someone other than ourselves (unless it’s your mama), and set aside time for pampering. Some of us have kids to be our valentines, some choose to stay in and eat good food and watch their favorite love films, while others snuggle up with a book they’ve been wanting to read. If you’re working tonight, order yourself a good dinner for your break, and take advantage of any gifts your job gives to employees. If you’re one of those people longing for a relationship and really wishing you had a date for the night, hit up a speed dating event, or a party where you wear the color representing your relationship status. You could go home with a new or potential bae, and it beats sitting inside sobbing over a pint of ice cream. Self care, selflessly giving to others to lift their spirits, or just taking advantage of all the online promo codes today are all forms of Love. I know many people love to bash this holiday for so many reasons, but it’s more fun to just join in because complaining won’t stop it from coming each and every year, and you’ll be wishing you used that coupon you got several emails about. I hope everyone enjoys today, but most importantly I hope everyone spreads love and joy in all spaces you step foot in.

I’m still working on creating a consistent schedule that allows me to do everything I need and love to do, so I’m not 100% sure when I’ll post again. I appreciate everyone’s patience, and hopefully it won’t be too long of a wait. As always, thanks for reading.

 

P.S. I meant what I said about watching Love Jones. Also, pray for me; I said I was no longer eating cheese but I’m tempted to buy a heart-shaped pizza later today. Forever a ninja turtle. Byeeeee!

Short dress is not equivalent to a yes!

truthiskef

Disclaimer: This article is entirely based upon my personal opinion. It doesn’t intend to hurt anybody.

How many times our society blames a girl’s short dress or her being drunk as the main reason for rape?

No matter how scantly she is dressed, it doesn’t in any manner means a yes. No matter if she is sober or drunk, she cannot be blamed. Only the rapist is responsible for the rape.

We’re living in 21st century, yet there are so many instances where a girl’s short dress is blamed for her rape.

In India, saree is considered as a traditional wear, and most of us are encouraged to wear it after marriage. Well, ever paid attention to the 6-inches gap?

Prolly, it’s way more than my less than an inch gap between my crop top and bottoms.

Oh, and what about infant girls being raped? Would you still blame…

View original post 260 more words

What his games taught me

I felt this, it was super relatable!

Cara`s Melody

I am mad at myself
for dating you in the first place
for letting you kiss me and kissing you back
for seeing the actual you behind all your BS
despite all your BS and the few times I actually met you

I am mad at you
that you are changing your mind frequently
that you always come back to me and don’t let me go (and every time I hope)
that you’ve shown me how good you can be for me
only to treat me carelessly in the next minute

I am mad at us
for playing games in the virtual world
for hiding out behind these
for not being brave and honest enough
because we let this go to hell

And again
I am mad at me

for falling into old habits
because your actions screamed so loudly yet I chose to stay deaf ; because I did…

View original post 158 more words

2019… the year of the bag and fulfillment!

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment, and anyone else who may stumble upon this blog and find it useful! 2018 was a great year, and for many of us it opened our eyes up to what changes we need to make, and all the wonderful things we can accomplish in the future.  There was a lot of death, and hardships but also, so many beautiful accomplishments and births. Every year has its ups and downs but in 2018, I know for myself especially I learned what not to do, and I began making plans for the new year. In 2019 there’s no excuses, and no reason to go back to anything that isn’t adding value to our lives; but most importantly it’s time to hold ourselves accountable and stick to our word. Every year we make resolutions and vision boards but the week after the near year we sometimes continue doing the things we no longer said we would, or never start the things we planned to. This year, get a planner, post your vision board up on your wall, and give yourself deadlines to accomplish certain goals.

When I started this blog, it was a way for me to address the experiences I had in various relationships, and share my lessons to either help or inform others. I manged to accomplish that, but it’s been rewarding because through this blog I found a great way to heal and find clarity. Every post has allowed me to revisit what I no longer want or need,  helped me to understand that I need to always put myself first, and my love for self is the most important love of all right now. I don’t want to share this light with anyone who isn’t worthy, and despite other hardships from 2018, I made a lot of great decisions for myself and put my happiness first. I began graduate school at one of the top graduate schools in the country,  I moved to the place I’ve wanted to live in since I was a teen, and I realized there was a lot of negativity coming from myself which was stunting my growth; my own thinking kept me from achieving what I set out to do, and once I changed my mindset I realized I had so many blessings there was no need in complaining about what I didn’t have yet.  There’s only one thing to do in 2019 and that’s to continue on this ride to success, and growth; I am truly excited for myself and everyone else that’s on the path of leveling up!

For 2019, I vow to leave behind toxic relationships, take the lessons from them and apply them to my life so that I don’t continue allowing the same people in; I will maintain my budget, continue to build my credit, and have multiple streams of income because it’s time for financial stability. I will pour positive energy into myself and the world, become more productive, and find new hobbies for my down time; but most importantly I will take my physical and mental health seriously, by feeding this temple with good foods, plenty of physical and brain exercise (getting my reading list together now), and giving myself the needed amount of self care every week. I’m writing this down because I plan to stick to my word, and I now have no excuse to stray from these plans. I hope everyone else does the same for this new year. Let’s bring in 2019 with our hearts and minds clear, ready to accept postive change, and get to this bag! I pray that everyone is safe tonight, and if you plan to attend church, I’ll be with you in spirit! Thanks everyone for reading and supporting my blog, I love you all and I can’t wait to see what we all achieve in this new year! Here’s to 2019!

 

P.S. Mind your business in 2019.

Don’t Touch My Crown.

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment. This post is for my fellow beautiful black women; the naturalistas, girls with the perms, and my sistas that are slaying these wigs, weaves, and protective styles. We are beautiful, and no matter what style we decide to wear our hair in, we are still queens. There’s a special place in my heart for all naturalistas though, because all of us have had some serious journeys; from chopping our hair off to embracing our natural curl patterns, waiting for growth, and fighting with our combs and products, we have all found pride in wearing our hair as it grows naturally. There’s nothing like seeing a woman on the street rocking a twist out, braids, wash and go or some other bomb ass style, and yelling out, ” Yasssss Sis, you better be out here flourishing!” Our hair journeys unite us all, and for this reason I refuse to let any man or woman who doesn’t understand this to keep me from shining in it. There are still so many people who don’t understand that black hair is beautiful, and because of European beauty standards, a lot of people can’t wrap their minds around any hairstyle that isn’t straight, or loosely wavy or curly. When dating people who are black, you won’t run into this issue very often, unless your partner was used to seeing your hair one way and you switched it up on them suddenly (that’s a whole other story for another day), but for those of us who date outside of our race, it’s a struggle to find someone who we don’t have to explain our crowns to.

Just the other day I switched my hair to Bantu Knots, and a friend of mine told me they liked my hair when it wasn’t in the knots. He doesn’t have a lot of experience with black women, and he travels in a very different circle than I do, so I understood but I also refused to let it dim my light. I started thinking about the times in the past when I worried about how I wore my hair, because I didn’t want the person I was dating, or my non-black peers to look at me differently, or think I was less beautiful for embracing a natural hair style. The thing is, I’m not making decisions about my hair based on what some man likes or what society thinks is appropriate, it’s about what I like and what I feel beautiful in. There’s so many of us women making decisions about our hair, stressing about our looks, our choices about makeup, and our bodies because of a man or the ridiculous standards the world has placed on what makes one beautiful. As my girl India Arie once said, “I am not my hair,” that was facts then, and it still reigns true today. However, there is another truth about our hair that my good sis Solange spoke on; it’s the idea of our hair being the feelings that we wear, something that isn’t to be touched because it’s much too precious and powerful for just anyone to place their hands on. These are the things to keep in mind while engaging with those folks that just don’t seem to get it.

I now know that I couldn’t deal with someone I had to explain my crown to, and I would rather have someone in my space that recognized the beauty in it instead. Also, any man who is really feeling you is going to find you beautiful no matter how you wear your hair; so with that being said, don’t switch up because the man you’re with doesn’t approve because he may not be the one for you. This is also the mindset for friends and peers who are holding on to these false ideas of beauty, be patient with them but don’t allow their words or thoughts to tarnish crown of choice. For my natural beauties, take pride in those kinky crowns ladies…I love us for real! I hope everyone is using these last few days of 2018 to reflect because I sure am, I’ll drop one last post before the new year storms in. As always, thanks for reading!

P.S. The other day I was real tempted to go back to the creamy crack, but I washed my hair and saw those curls and came to my senses. Kinks over perm scabs any day! Byeeeee.

Words from the ghosted…

Image result for issa being ghosted

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment, and anyone else who may stumble upon this blog and find it useful! I’m in a dark hole a.k.a. graduate school and I haven’t had time to write, but I’ve missed it so much. This week, I knew it would be time for me to dust off the old keyboard soon, because something has been happening a lot recently and it needs to be addressed. Not only have I experienced this for myself, but I have seen several other women posting and discussing this as well. The thing that has everyone waiting to exhale is the wonderful act of ghosting. Yes, women are being ghosted during cuffing season and it’s just disrespectful. Ghosting is immature and it seems like the easy way out until it’s happening to you. There are many different types of ghosting; the “I’m going to fade away and never talk to them again,” the “I’m really busy so I can’t talk, even though I’m on my phone all day,” the “I’m going to look at all of your IG and Snapchat stories even though I haven’t talked to you in weeks,” the “I saw your text and didn’t respond but I’ll reply to your story,”and last but certainly not least the “I haven’t talked to you a two months but you posted a picture on Instagram looking good recently so I thought I’d hit you up.” That last one always makes me chuckle, these niggas ain’t shit.

For years people have treated dating like some sort of game. People have made films, songs, and literature based around the idea. It’s become normalized, and so people think playing games is how we are supposed to go about relationships. It’s all fun until you really start to like someone, or get used to a person only to feel like your time is being wasted. Most of us ask ourselves, why even bother? We went from waiting next to the phone, to waiting for a text back, or a response to a DM. There’s nothing worse than being ghosted , and  it’s even worse when the “ghost-er” is able to come and go as they please.

The best part of being ghosted is when the person pops back up like everything is fine, when you haven’t heard from them in weeks or months. For all my Insecure fans, we watched with our lips pursed as Issa experienced one of the worst forms of this on season 3. These men (and women) never have a good excuse. It’s always that they’ve been really busy, or they’ve been going through some things and just didn’t have the time to text, call or visit. I’m personally over it; I just need consistency and communication. Why is that such a hard thing for people to do? Planning to go MIA for a while, give me some warning. You think you may need some space, well then just  let me know as if Ronald and Aaliyah were singing it to you. It takes a couple minutes to form a decent text to let someone know what’s up. Then there are those who stroke their ego with this game. They hit you with the “I really miss you,” when they come around, even though they have been missing like Barb on Stranger Things for weeks. I swear they think someone is spending every waking moment thinking about their sorry asses; NO LIKE SHIT BOY.  We’re not losing sleep over your absence, and it’s not disrupting our peace. Are these people maybe longing to be wanted, and feel that this is the best way to fulfill that desire? I don’t know, but I definitely don’t want to be a part of it.

I had a guy give me the lamest excuse as to why he disappeared, and then after apologizing said he understood if I didn’t want to talk to him. He was beautiful though, I mean he was fine fine and I really liked him so I let him back in sooner than I should have, if I should have at all. It was all good for like a week, but then all of a sudden he was “busy” again, and we weren’t finishing conversations let alone seeing each other. In a situation like this it’s important to realize it’s time for a conversation once this happens; communitcate that you need for them to be more consistent. The thing is, people are always going to make time for what they want; that goes for anything in life. You say you don’t have time to clean your house but you went out with your friends for drinks and spent hours at the bar. It’s not that you don’t have the time, but that you aren’t making something or someone a priority. I actually just had a friend get on my case about this after I said I needed to find the time to read more. The point is, if a guy has time to make a status on Facebook or Twitter, regularly views your story and shares memes all day, then they can shoot you a good morning text or ask you how you’re doing  once a week. It’s such an easy task, but it’s not being done. Truth is, they just don’t want to talk to you, and there’s no reason to get upset or blame yourself, just shut off the revolving door that allows them access to you. It’s not fair to only talk to a person when you’re bored or lonely, or just on your own time as if they don’t have a life. If you really care about someone, then just give them notice when you aren’t going to be around; don’t just disappear on them as if y’all weren’t talking every damn day. Also, it’s not right to make them feel guilty once they address it, and no longer want you in their life. You can’t just come and go and then act surprised when your pass gets revoked, grow up! That’s my two cents on ghosting, and I hope it helps someone out there! Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to make time for you when there is someone in the world willing to make you a priority. Until you find that person, make yourself a priority and give these other fools the boot!

Well, I’m glad I finally had the chance to address this and this is all I have for the day. As always, thanks for reading!

P.S. I know there are people who haven’t watched Insecure yet; I’m gonna need for y’all to get on that. Thankssssssssss!

Me, Myself, and I ( a PSA).

Image result for beyonce me myself and i

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. This is my second post for the day, and it’s gonna be shorter more of a public service announcement, so bear with me. Something that’s been on my mind lately is how often I’ve placed my worth into the hands of men. I had to take a moment and think about the times my breakups had me feeling low, the times I was ghosted, and the times I simply didn’t feel good enough for a man, as if they were too good for me. I realized that there was something deep going on, and it was my responsiblity to take the journey of figuring that out.

In the past, I’ve had the guys who broke things off and then later told me I was great, and all the things they loved about me, yet they ended things and gave everything I wanted from them to someone else. Naturally, my own issues took over and I instantly thought I was lacking somewhere; questioning my looks, personality, mind, and all that I have to offer. The issue is that, I shouldn’t have based my worth on what some guy thought of me, or didn’t think of me. I’m now in a space where if someone stops showing me attention, instead of asking myself what’s wrong with me, I say to myself well, that’s their loss. I’m recognize that I’m dope, and while these men may come and go, I still have myself, and that is honestly more fun than sharing my space with someone who isn’t deserving. So often, people feel that because they are single that equals loneliness, and that’s simply not true. Being alone does not mean that you’re lonely. Find some activities that you can do alone, and put all the energy you used to keep a man/woman, into your friendships and family. Enjoy not having to compromise, or share your bed; look at the positives of being by yourself. Also and most importantly, do the work on yourself to find out the root of your insecurity, and figure out why you feel empty when you’re alone. Everyone isn’t going to like you or find you attractive, and that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, and if you love yourself enough, their opinion won’t matter. There will be times when you want some company, but don’t just let anyone come into your space because you feel lonely, instead think about why you’re willing to let just anyone come in, and take time to unpack that. Lately, I’ve seen too many of my friends allowing someone into their space just to say they have someone, and that’s just not where it’s at; trust me I know. If someone is not making you happy, or disrupts your vibe, let them go, your PEACE is more valuable than having some funky arms wrapped around you. It’s definitely not easy, but it can be done; leave the dating and relationships alone until you can complete yourself, and feel whole; only then will your views on dating change for the better. That’s all I have for today, I hope you enjoyed both posts. Thanks for reading!

P.S. You see the queen, you know why she’s there.