It’s Love…

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. First and foremost, I’m patting myself on the back for finally getting to my first post of 2019! I can’t speak for anyone else but this year started off like a whirlwind, and I’m finally finding my footing again (ouu did y’all peep that alliteration though). Today is Valentines Day, a day filled with “I love you’s,” flowers, candy, expensive dinners, possible great sex, and plenty of single people with no dates at all. Well single people, not having a date or significant other doesn’t mean you can’t participate on this holiday, and you certainly shouldn’t let it get you down. Personally, I’ve always loved Valentines Day, although I get annoyed at people who take it over the top (it’s one day ya’ll gots to chill). I’ve done the fun dates, experienced the lonely valentines day where I binged on rom-coms and ate my favorite pizza, and the V-day where I worked at night and had to kiss my valentine through the phone. No matter what situation I’m in on Valentine’s Day, I refuse to let the day go to waste.

A few years ago for V-day, I went out on a date with this guy I’d been talking to. I got really cute and I was so excited to see what he had planned. I got outside and into his truck and noticed how dressed down he was. He had on these really dated jeans, and a sweatshirt; I guess for him that was dressing up. I had on a dress and my favorite boots, and he just wasn’t matching my fly. We got to dinner and although the food was great, the conversation was non-existent. Have ya’ll ever tried having a conversation with someone and realized they just weren’t on your level intellectually? That’s what happened here, only he had no problem bragging about himself throughout dinner. We finally left the restaurant and headed on over to his place; the only thing on my mind was at least I can get an orgasm out of this. I definitely did, but I also had to deal with a messy room that smelled like an entire can of febreze masking a funky boys locker room. Needless to say, I wanted to be back on campus with my friends attending a program or watching the movie Love Jones (A classic, and if you haven’t seen it step your cookies up and watch that shit, period). Having a date for Valentine’s Day isn’t always wonderful, but it doesn’t have to be negative either. Make sure you’re spending today in a way that makes you happy; do not settle for a mediocre date like I did just to say you have plans, it’s not worth it.

There are so many positives to this holiday whether you’re in a relationship or not. First, there’s deals on deals on deals (because capitalism); the powers that be created this day just so we could spend our hard-earned money or someone else’s. Spending money on Valentines Day is wonderful because there are discounts on EVERYTHING! You can find a bargain on you’re favorite online clothing store, on flowers, cards and candy ( I sang this in my best Usher voice), restaurants with two for one dinners ( for my couples on a budget), and lots of other great adult activities being promoted on groupon. Who doesn’t love saving money? Secondly, if you’re in a relationship or dating it’s the perfect reason to get and give gifts. We all love getting cute gifts, and new shit; we may as well do it over dinner and thank bae during sex later right? Thirdly, and this is for my single fam (we out here), the possibilities of how to spend this day are endless for us (as long as you aren’t working the whole day, and if you are there’s still ways uhkay). As single folks, we can get together with our other single friends to go out and party, have a game night, avoid having to spend money on someone other than ourselves (unless it’s your mama), and set aside time for pampering. Some of us have kids to be our valentines, some choose to stay in and eat good food and watch their favorite love films, while others snuggle up with a book they’ve been wanting to read. If you’re working tonight, order yourself a good dinner for your break, and take advantage of any gifts your job gives to employees. If you’re one of those people longing for a relationship and really wishing you had a date for the night, hit up a speed dating event, or a party where you wear the color representing your relationship status. You could go home with a new or potential bae, and it beats sitting inside sobbing over a pint of ice cream. Self care, selflessly giving to others to lift their spirits, or just taking advantage of all the online promo codes today are all forms of Love. I know many people love to bash this holiday for so many reasons, but it’s more fun to just join in because complaining won’t stop it from coming each and every year, and you’ll be wishing you used that coupon you got several emails about. I hope everyone enjoys today, but most importantly I hope everyone spreads love and joy in all spaces you step foot in.

I’m still working on creating a consistent schedule that allows me to do everything I need and love to do, so I’m not 100% sure when I’ll post again. I appreciate everyone’s patience, and hopefully it won’t be too long of a wait. As always, thanks for reading.

 

P.S. I meant what I said about watching Love Jones. Also, pray for me; I said I was no longer eating cheese but I’m tempted to buy a heart-shaped pizza later today. Forever a ninja turtle. Byeeeee!

Words from the ghosted…

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment, and anyone else who may stumble upon this blog and find it useful! I’m in a dark hole a.k.a. graduate school and I haven’t had time to write, but I’ve missed it so much. This week, I knew it would be time for me to dust off the old keyboard soon, because something has been happening a lot recently and it needs to be addressed. Not only have I experienced this for myself, but I have seen several other women posting and discussing this as well. The thing that has everyone waiting to exhale is the wonderful act of ghosting. Yes, women are being ghosted during cuffing season and it’s just disrespectful. Ghosting is immature and it seems like the easy way out until it’s happening to you. There are many different types of ghosting; the “I’m going to fade away and never talk to them again,” the “I’m really busy so I can’t talk, even though I’m on my phone all day,” the “I’m going to look at all of your IG and Snapchat stories even though I haven’t talked to you in weeks,” the “I saw your text and didn’t respond but I’ll reply to your story,”and last but certainly not least the “I haven’t talked to you a two months but you posted a picture on Instagram looking good recently so I thought I’d hit you up.” That last one always makes me chuckle, these niggas ain’t shit.

For years people have treated dating like some sort of game. People have made films, songs, and literature based around the idea. It’s become normalized, and so people think playing games is how we are supposed to go about relationships. It’s all fun until you really start to like someone, or get used to a person only to feel like your time is being wasted. Most of us ask ourselves, why even bother? We went from waiting next to the phone, to waiting for a text back, or a response to a DM. There’s nothing worse than being ghosted , and  it’s even worse when the “ghost-er” is able to come and go as they please.

The best part of being ghosted is when the person pops back up like everything is fine, when you haven’t heard from them in weeks or months. For all my Insecure fans, we watched with our lips pursed as Issa experienced one of the worst forms of this on season 3. These men (and women) never have a good excuse. It’s always that they’ve been really busy, or they’ve been going through some things and just didn’t have the time to text, call or visit. I’m personally over it; I just need consistency and communication. Why is that such a hard thing for people to do? Planning to go MIA for a while, give me some warning. You think you may need some space, well then just  let me know as if Ronald and Aaliyah were singing it to you. It takes a couple minutes to form a decent text to let someone know what’s up. Then there are those who stroke their ego with this game. They hit you with the “I really miss you,” when they come around, even though they have been missing like Barb on Stranger Things for weeks. I swear they think someone is spending every waking moment thinking about their sorry asses; NO LIKE SHIT BOY.  We’re not losing sleep over your absence, and it’s not disrupting our peace. Are these people maybe longing to be wanted, and feel that this is the best way to fulfill that desire? I don’t know, but I definitely don’t want to be a part of it.

I had a guy give me the lamest excuse as to why he disappeared, and then after apologizing said he understood if I didn’t want to talk to him. He was beautiful though, I mean he was fine fine and I really liked him so I let him back in sooner than I should have, if I should have at all. It was all good for like a week, but then all of a sudden he was “busy” again, and we weren’t finishing conversations let alone seeing each other. In a situation like this it’s important to realize it’s time for a conversation once this happens; communitcate that you need for them to be more consistent. The thing is, people are always going to make time for what they want; that goes for anything in life. You say you don’t have time to clean your house but you went out with your friends for drinks and spent hours at the bar. It’s not that you don’t have the time, but that you aren’t making something or someone a priority. I actually just had a friend get on my case about this after I said I needed to find the time to read more. The point is, if a guy has time to make a status on Facebook or Twitter, regularly views your story and shares memes all day, then they can shoot you a good morning text or ask you how you’re doing  once a week. It’s such an easy task, but it’s not being done. Truth is, they just don’t want to talk to you, and there’s no reason to get upset or blame yourself, just shut off the revolving door that allows them access to you. It’s not fair to only talk to a person when you’re bored or lonely, or just on your own time as if they don’t have a life. If you really care about someone, then just give them notice when you aren’t going to be around; don’t just disappear on them as if y’all weren’t talking every damn day. Also, it’s not right to make them feel guilty once they address it, and no longer want you in their life. You can’t just come and go and then act surprised when your pass gets revoked, grow up! That’s my two cents on ghosting, and I hope it helps someone out there! Don’t waste your time waiting for someone to make time for you when there is someone in the world willing to make you a priority. Until you find that person, make yourself a priority and give these other fools the boot!

Well, I’m glad I finally had the chance to address this and this is all I have for the day. As always, thanks for reading!

P.S. I know there are people who haven’t watched Insecure yet; I’m gonna need for y’all to get on that. Thankssssssssss!

Booty Calls or D**K Appointments? Think I got it covered for the weekend…

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I’ve recently had a discussion with friends about the difference between booty calls and dick appointments. There was a time when booty calls dominated our world, but we changed the game when we decided to coin the term “dick appointments.” There is a certain sense of community that millennial women feel when we use that term; everyone knows what it is, and as soon as someone mentions it, we give our props and cheer on our sisters for getting broke off! It doesn’t matter if it’s your friends, roommates, cousins, or neighbors; we love seeing one another own our sexuality! This isn’t a new thing but it just has a name now. There have always been sexually liberated women calling the shots and taking pride in their sexcapades. Booty calls though, are much different in my opinion; they always had negative connotations associated with them. Women have been called booty calls for years as if they were nothing more than a notch in a belt, and men have been hitting women up after midnight trying to get some ass for centuries. Booty calls give you minimal prep time, and although they can be great in that moment, they can leave you wanting to cuddle with it being so late at night but all your booty call wants is to jet. We have all heard of women in the past making excuses for being a booty call, and usually when that takes place it’s because they want more from the relationship. Men go through this too, because when the tables are turned it sometimes throws them off, and suddenly they are in their feelings. If you’ve ever watched the movie Boomerang with Eddie Murphy that is the perfect example of this (if you haven’t, it’s a classic watch that shit). Today, women have reclaimed their sexuality with dick appointments; we decide when we will get it, where and how, and we may or may not want more than just the sex. The difference to me is that, you can schedule an appointment at any time of the day or night, and go on about your business; by doing that you avoid that need to cuddle and bond cause you got shit to do. Women are no longer ONLY waiting for a phone call or “you up” text ( cause we definitely still take those); we send that come through text, or mutually plan with our sexual partners a time that works for our schedules!

There are certain elements of dick appointments that are common, and after chatting it up with many of my friends I realized that most of us see these appointments as a time of release in more ways than one. Depending on how cool you are with your DA, you probably take part in some of the best conversations, probably have some of your greatest laughs, and as always your best orgasms! A good DA will have you returning to work or class ( for my college girls) with a whole different attitude, have you walking around like Jill Scott on the Golden video, cheesing harder than a kindergarten student on picture day. Booty Call’s are not the same; with a booty call  someone is hitting you up at random giving you little time to be prepared ; but with a DA we know whats coming. There is no room for all of that going back and forth in your mind about whether or not you’re a booty call, and no emptiness after your partner is gone; you know what it is and why that person is there, and you enjoy it.

With both a DA and a booty call, there is proper etiquette that takes place. A conversation is had in the beginning; both parties should know what their relationship is; now you could have a DA with your man, bed associate, friend with benefits, or just someone you’re dating. Knowing what the relationship is helps a lot, in doing so we possibly avoid that empty feeling I mentioned booty calls can leave us with, although sometimes even knowing with a booty call doesn’t stop that feeling. Next, with a DA you never cancel on someone at the last-minute, if you’re going to cancel an appointment do it hours in advance because women and men go through so much to prepare for these. We spend hours shaving, exfoliating and moisturizing our entire bodies, so don’t cancel and have your partner looking salty. Also, don’t act brand new when your DA or booty call shows up and decide that you no longer want the D; you’re wasting precious time that someone else could have had! Some people have multiple DAs (hoe’s in different area codes) and when you cancel or switch up, the other “go to” on the line could have been in and out already; that goes for both men and women! In addition, if you’re going to a DA and plan on staying over, GET YOURSELF A HOE-BAG OR A HOE KIT! A hoe bag is an essential part of a DA; they should contain a toothbrush, a fresh pair of underwear, a wash cloth and soap, and lotion and deodorant so that you don’t leave looking and smelling funky in the morning. Fellas, you should have a hoe bag too; I repeat fellas, you should ALSO have a hoe bag!! There is nothing more unattractive than  a man waking up in the morning and not having something to brush his teeth with; please do better! Finally, I know I already mentioned what some of us go through to prepare for a DA, but with both types of encounters it is crucial to be as clean as possible; that means taking a shower, a hoe bath, or a real bath! You should not be funky, and carrying endless bacteria with you to your booty call or DA;  brush those teeth too, because oral sex with a dirty mouth can lead to some issues! I bet by now you’re all wondering what this has to do with my point, well DAs give you room to be prepared, and in control, while booty calls are more random and can be really messy both emotionally and physically. That doesn’t mean it’s the case for all booty calls and honestly everyone doesn’t agree on what a booty call is, but they are much different from the cherished DAs!

I remember the first time I heard the term “Dick Appointment,” it was after I got to college and my best friend used it a lot, and I loved the way it sounded. In college and in life, you may see ya homegirl down the hall about to get zicked zown, or you may even have a neighbor getting her back blown out next door, whatever the case, when someone is about to get some you don’t hate on them or talk shit, you say “Yasssssssss go off sis,” because there’s something beautiful about that sort of pussy power. Ladies, if you’ve had a long week or need stress relief, schedule yourself a dick appointment, and if you have a booty call that isn’t more than just a booty call, and you know you like to cuddle and get in your feelings, it may be time to leave those alone and come over to winning team! Well, that’s all I have for today, I’ll be back soon I hope! Please comment on the post at the bottom of the page telling me which one of these you prefer, and discuss it among your friends, the debates are very interesting!! Thanks for reading!

P.S. Ya’ll see SZA, you know why she’s there.

 

Count for what?

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. There was a meme on IG the other day about a woman having options, and how difficult it was to choose just one to come over. I sent it to my group chats, and my friends made comments. One of my friends said, that was about to be her, and the other one said it brought back memories for her. In my pool of friends, I have those who had their hoe phases then find someone worth being with, the ones that break up with their ain’t shit boyfriends and decide to have hoe phases, and then the ones like me who live in the moment, and for us our love life is based on how we feel at that time; I may have a line of dudes I entertain and then decide I want a boyfriend, or I may want to focus on one person exclusively. I’m 23 years old, and I have my whole life to find a husband, for now it’s all about me, and my selfish ass is no longer letting people stay in my space and take up my time when they aren’t worthy, period. One specific topic comes to mind when I think of hoe phases, and multiple relationships; the social construct “body count.”

The topic of body counts makes me think of this guy I dated once. This guy was in my DM’s for months and of course he was hella immature with his approach. This dude would send me emojis instead of words, unsend his messages and all types of other goofy shit. One day, weeks after ending my relationship of nine months with another guy (see post We Need a Resolution for background on him), the guy messaged me again with the eyes emoji. I asked why he couldn’t just say hello, and he was like oh you’re finally responding. I was in a good mood that day and entertained him; I stay getting myself into things. Eventually we went on a date, and it was very nice; I liked him but he was definitely different from my usual type. We were strolling along at the harbor and then as we were walking to the car he asked me how I felt about body counts. Immediately I go into a different mode, like no his ass DID NOT just ask me that; all of the things we could discuss and he decides to ask me about fucking body counts… NIGGAAAAAA! I responded by telling him, I think that body count is a social construct used to make people feel bad about having sex, and when people obsess over it, or judge someone’s worth based off of it, I find them to be immature and ignorant. He paused for a couple of seconds and said, “yeah I think that too.” I could tell his ass was lying, and throughout our short time with each other, he did and said plenty of other things leading me to understand he was sexist and lived by the horrible double standards of our society. He once asked me if I had on an outfit all day, and then said I couldn’t wear it anymore (it was a tube top and pants y’all) because it showed too much; get into this eyeroll. One night we were on the phone and he brought up body count again, and told me his true opinion, that he felt having a lot of sexual partners wasn’t okay, and he didn’t want to be with someone who had more than four. Long story short,  other dumb shit he did led to him being blocked, and ignored.

Body Counts seem to only be an issue when it comes to women. The more sex a man has, the more he is celebrated, but a woman having a lot of sex is instantly slut shamed. The thing is, no matter how many or how few partners a person has had, they don’t have to be honest about it, and you would have to take their word for it. The most important thing about having sex is making sure you’re safe; getting tested regularly when you’re sexually active, whether you trust your partner or not, and using protection. That’s right ladies and gents, condoms, and knowing your status!! As long as a person takes care of their body, and practices safe sex, I could care less about how many partners they’ve had. A woman or man with only  two partners  could be extremely broken, insecure and have a terrible spirit, while someone who has had 15 partners could be full of life, and have a beautiful soul. Judge someone based on their character, not their sex life, unless they’re doing some non consensual or unlawful shit, or something that’s hurting their spirit; that’s the only time I myself will judge based on sex life. Imagine how many women would be happier or could find someone who values them if they weren’t sticking it out with one guy because they didn’t want to add to their body count, or how many men would still have the love of their life if they weren’t trying to conquer all the kitties around them. No, that doesn’t apply to everyone but I know plenty of people who could check that box.  People be having sex, and with multiple partners, and it’s okay. The person being judged for their “body count” is gonna be living their best life in the future, while the haters are miserable and thinking about the person they didn’t pursue. That’s all I have for today, and I can’t say when I’ll be back; I’m busy and it’s hard to find time to write every week, but thanks for reading! If you liked this post please share, and scroll to the bottom of the page and hit FOLLOW! If you’re new to TSM, please check out my other post.

P.S. This week muva Eartha Kitt is gracing your screens. She is the original sex kitten, and lived her life unapologetically which is how I strive to be. I’m sure everyone could take away a gem or two from a woman like that!