Short dress is not equivalent to a yes!

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Disclaimer: This article is entirely based upon my personal opinion. It doesn’t intend to hurt anybody.

How many times our society blames a girl’s short dress or her being drunk as the main reason for rape?

No matter how scantly she is dressed, it doesn’t in any manner means a yes. No matter if she is sober or drunk, she cannot be blamed. Only the rapist is responsible for the rape.

We’re living in 21st century, yet there are so many instances where a girl’s short dress is blamed for her rape.

In India, saree is considered as a traditional wear, and most of us are encouraged to wear it after marriage. Well, ever paid attention to the 6-inches gap?

Prolly, it’s way more than my less than an inch gap between my crop top and bottoms.

Oh, and what about infant girls being raped? Would you still blame…

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What his games taught me

I felt this, it was super relatable!

Cara`s Melody

I am mad at myself
for dating you in the first place
for letting you kiss me and kissing you back
for seeing the actual you behind all your BS
despite all your BS and the few times I actually met you

I am mad at you
that you are changing your mind frequently
that you always come back to me and don’t let me go (and every time I hope)
that you’ve shown me how good you can be for me
only to treat me carelessly in the next minute

I am mad at us
for playing games in the virtual world
for hiding out behind these
for not being brave and honest enough
because we let this go to hell

And again
I am mad at me

for falling into old habits
because your actions screamed so loudly yet I chose to stay deaf ; because I did…

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2019… the year of the bag and fulfillment!

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment, and anyone else who may stumble upon this blog and find it useful! 2018 was a great year, and for many of us it opened our eyes up to what changes we need to make, and all the wonderful things we can accomplish in the future.  There was a lot of death, and hardships but also, so many beautiful accomplishments and births. Every year has its ups and downs but in 2018, I know for myself especially I learned what not to do, and I began making plans for the new year. In 2019 there’s no excuses, and no reason to go back to anything that isn’t adding value to our lives; but most importantly it’s time to hold ourselves accountable and stick to our word. Every year we make resolutions and vision boards but the week after the near year we sometimes continue doing the things we no longer said we would, or never start the things we planned to. This year, get a planner, post your vision board up on your wall, and give yourself deadlines to accomplish certain goals.

When I started this blog, it was a way for me to address the experiences I had in various relationships, and share my lessons to either help or inform others. I manged to accomplish that, but it’s been rewarding because through this blog I found a great way to heal and find clarity. Every post has allowed me to revisit what I no longer want or need,  helped me to understand that I need to always put myself first, and my love for self is the most important love of all right now. I don’t want to share this light with anyone who isn’t worthy, and despite other hardships from 2018, I made a lot of great decisions for myself and put my happiness first. I began graduate school at one of the top graduate schools in the country,  I moved to the place I’ve wanted to live in since I was a teen, and I realized there was a lot of negativity coming from myself which was stunting my growth; my own thinking kept me from achieving what I set out to do, and once I changed my mindset I realized I had so many blessings there was no need in complaining about what I didn’t have yet.  There’s only one thing to do in 2019 and that’s to continue on this ride to success, and growth; I am truly excited for myself and everyone else that’s on the path of leveling up!

For 2019, I vow to leave behind toxic relationships, take the lessons from them and apply them to my life so that I don’t continue allowing the same people in; I will maintain my budget, continue to build my credit, and have multiple streams of income because it’s time for financial stability. I will pour positive energy into myself and the world, become more productive, and find new hobbies for my down time; but most importantly I will take my physical and mental health seriously, by feeding this temple with good foods, plenty of physical and brain exercise (getting my reading list together now), and giving myself the needed amount of self care every week. I’m writing this down because I plan to stick to my word, and I now have no excuse to stray from these plans. I hope everyone else does the same for this new year. Let’s bring in 2019 with our hearts and minds clear, ready to accept postive change, and get to this bag! I pray that everyone is safe tonight, and if you plan to attend church, I’ll be with you in spirit! Thanks everyone for reading and supporting my blog, I love you all and I can’t wait to see what we all achieve in this new year! Here’s to 2019!

 

P.S. Mind your business in 2019.

Me, Myself, and I ( a PSA).

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. This is my second post for the day, and it’s gonna be shorter more of a public service announcement, so bear with me. Something that’s been on my mind lately is how often I’ve placed my worth into the hands of men. I had to take a moment and think about the times my breakups had me feeling low, the times I was ghosted, and the times I simply didn’t feel good enough for a man, as if they were too good for me. I realized that there was something deep going on, and it was my responsiblity to take the journey of figuring that out.

In the past, I’ve had the guys who broke things off and then later told me I was great, and all the things they loved about me, yet they ended things and gave everything I wanted from them to someone else. Naturally, my own issues took over and I instantly thought I was lacking somewhere; questioning my looks, personality, mind, and all that I have to offer. The issue is that, I shouldn’t have based my worth on what some guy thought of me, or didn’t think of me. I’m now in a space where if someone stops showing me attention, instead of asking myself what’s wrong with me, I say to myself well, that’s their loss. I’m recognize that I’m dope, and while these men may come and go, I still have myself, and that is honestly more fun than sharing my space with someone who isn’t deserving. So often, people feel that because they are single that equals loneliness, and that’s simply not true. Being alone does not mean that you’re lonely. Find some activities that you can do alone, and put all the energy you used to keep a man/woman, into your friendships and family. Enjoy not having to compromise, or share your bed; look at the positives of being by yourself. Also and most importantly, do the work on yourself to find out the root of your insecurity, and figure out why you feel empty when you’re alone. Everyone isn’t going to like you or find you attractive, and that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, and if you love yourself enough, their opinion won’t matter. There will be times when you want some company, but don’t just let anyone come into your space because you feel lonely, instead think about why you’re willing to let just anyone come in, and take time to unpack that. Lately, I’ve seen too many of my friends allowing someone into their space just to say they have someone, and that’s just not where it’s at; trust me I know. If someone is not making you happy, or disrupts your vibe, let them go, your PEACE is more valuable than having some funky arms wrapped around you. It’s definitely not easy, but it can be done; leave the dating and relationships alone until you can complete yourself, and feel whole; only then will your views on dating change for the better. That’s all I have for today, I hope you enjoyed both posts. Thanks for reading!

P.S. You see the queen, you know why she’s there.

I Think I’m Jealous of Your Girlfriend.

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. Today I wanna shed light on the girl best friend. Most women and men have at some point in their life had a best friend of the opposite sex, and once one of you gets into a relationship it can cause issues ( for both the friendship and the relationship). Some people are mature enough to understand that these platonic friendships can exist and not be a threat to the relationship, and then there are times when that simply isn’t the case.  If the girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t secure in themselves, they could have an issue with the friendship and drive a wedge; then there are the times when the friendship really isn’t platonic and clearly something more is going on. When your best friend is of the opposite sex, they should try to become friends with your significant other, and/or there should be a level of respect and boundaries for both of them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want you to meet their “bestfriend” then it’s possible that more is happening there; and if they at any point had more than a friendship or a sexual relationship, then boundaries need to be put into place. I’m a strong believer in trust, and being secure in your relationship but when bae is making you question that, it’s time to have a conversation about it, and maybe one with the best friend as well.

My ex had a best “girlfriend” that he was very close to, he would talk about her all the time and he admired her; I was secure enough in myself to not have an issue with his friendship with her in the beginning. The woman was older than him, and seemed to really have her life in order, they also worked together. Everything was fine with the three of us until he mentioned to me he lived with her at some point (skkkrrrrttt); I didn’t jump to any conclusions or think the worst but I was curious to know more so I began to ask some questions. I asked him if they were more than friends and he said they had a sexual relationship at one point, then I asked if this was the reason he moved out of her basement and he said that was part of the reason; at this point I’m feeling a little uneasy about the nature of their friendship but I also knew he spent most of his time with me and if he wasn’t with me he was at work or with his daughter, so I didn’t let it phase me too much.

Eventually, the dynamic our relationship began to change, and he was spending less time with me, and seemed to be missing our dates or showing up late all the time; he was also spending time with his “girl-friend” and doing a lot of things for her, going to her house late nights to help put something together and going to her family events with her grandkids ( can’t even have your men around a grandma these days); and so suspicion crept in. I’m not the go through your phone type, and honestly I can’t believe I stooped that low but that man had me coming all out of myself; I was at my lowest when I dealt with him, and my friendships, schoolwork and activities suffered because of the relationship. I look at him now and I can not believe I allowed his ugglass (real ones know what that means) to take me there; he somehow found the insecurities I did have and used them against me, to make me feel as low as he felt. One evening he came over to my place and he went into my room to do some work related stuff and he left his cell phone out in the living room with me. My best friend was sitting on side of me as I ventured into his message threads, and I went straight to grandma’s name. I found exactly what I was looking for, and he was talking to her the same way he talked to me, and there was no way that “girl-friend” was a platonic one. I had to ponder on what I found for a while before deciding to address it because after all, I went through this man’s phone and he was gonna use that against me. When I finally addressed it he did just that, and our relationship completely changed, he didn’t trust me and I didn’t trust him. The moment that broke me down the most was when we got into a huge argument over something so small, and I followed him into the parking lot yelling as he attempted to leave; I got into his car and told him how I felt about him always comparing me to his friend and he yelled at me and told me every reason she was better than me, and more of a woman than I could ever be; I’m still not sure how I got out the car without hurting him or the car. I’m pretty sure this my third time writing about this man, and it’s because so many lessons came out of that relationship, which means I learned from them and will not be making those same mistakes again. If your significant other has a friend that doesn’t respect your relationship, it may be time to let them go and tell them to figure what it is that they want, don’t make the mistake I made and drag yourself through the drama.

I’ve also been the best friend before and when it’s truly platonic you should have no problem respecting the boundaries of your friends relationship and even possibly becoming cool with your friends significant other, it’s possible. If you are being respectful, and haven’t given the girlfriend/boyfriend any reason to think otherwise and they still think something is going on, then there’s something wrong with them and you gotta just fallback before you lose your friend altogether. People will do the most to find something wrong with their relationship if they have their own issues they haven’t dealt with, and when that sort of petty comes into your life just let your friend know you need peace and be the bigger person in the situation. The lesson for today is, be honest with yourself and your boo about the nature of your friendship and if it isn’t platonic don’t bring that drama into anybody’s life. For my people with healthy relationships that have been able to make this work, I commend you for your maturity, and ability to respect one another. That’s all I have for this topic today and I hope you enjoyed and/or learned something. I have another post going up today as well so please check it out! Thanks for reading!

P.S. The song “Girlfriend” by Alicia Keys was the inspiration for this post, her album Songs of a Minor is still dropping gems to this day; okay byeeeee!

You Probably Think This Post is About You….

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I’ve had writers block for a couple of days so shout out to my bestie Kotic Couture for helping me find my direction! Today I wanna discuss self-absorbed men, who constantly make everything about them , and don’t bother getting to know the women they’re dating. Most of the time these men aren’t even all that, and are obsessed with themselves or their “things” to makeup for what they’re lacking; which could be purpose, true confidence, or even the size of their pork sword (penis). All of that leads me to my second topic, men not practicing good hygiene but thinking they deserve the best of women. Self absorbed guys will date you, claim to feel a connection but know absolutely nothing about you, you could literally ghost them and they’d reach out just to talk about themselves. The thing is, there are women who deal with men like this because from the outside they’re a good look; but it’s totally miserable when you’re listening to him tell the same story for the hundredth time, and you don’t care.

I dated a guy who seemed to have it all together; he had a degree, he was handsome and made a suit look good, had a decent job and he was slightly woke. Those are the criteria for most women’s ideal man, so despite me thinking he was sort of corny, I decided to give it a chance. On our first date he picked me up in this loud sports car, and little did I know, I’d be hearing about this car everytime I saw him. He would constantly talk about the car, what was being done to it, and asking me what I thought about it. I know nothing about cars so at first I would stroke his ego a bit and say things like, “yeah I really like how low these seats are” and “I can totally tell the difference between the new lights and the old ones.” I felt so foolish, and eventually my responses were more like, “mhmm, wow that’s crazy”. Then I finally decided to stop responding all together, and I just pretended to listen, and nodded my head.  Every time I saw him/texted him, it was the same thing; his car, his job, stories about him, and absolutely nothing about me.  On top of all of that, he was very dull, had a terrible sense of humor, and the conversations outside of him always seemed forced. The worst part about him was that he had terrible dental hygiene; I didn’t notice it at first but once I did I could no longer look at him the same. Throughout the duration of us dating, he not once asked me about my day,  goals, plans, or life. Yet, he for some reason thought we had this amazing connection, and claimed to like me so much. He constantly told me how amazing I was, yet he knew nothing about me. I remember speaking to him a while back and telling him my plans for moving away for grad school. When the time came , about a week before my move, he hit me up out of the blue, and actually asked what I was up to. I told him I was moving and he seemed so shocked and hurt, as if I had never mentioned it before. It didn’t fit into his life so it didn’t matter; he didn’t even want to continue the conversation. He still found a way to make my great news, about him. Ladies, if you and a guy aren’t clicking and he’s all about himself, do yourself a favor and RUN; don’t stick around just to have someone to cuddle and go on dates with.

Hygiene and self-absorbed men seem to go hand in hand. I’ve seen it too many times, and after a while I started to wonder if anyone’s parents taught basic hygiene skills to these men as boys. These guys are always so conceited, and it’s almost as if they look for a woman to complete their “perfect picture,” even when they aren’t perfect or complete alone. I knew a guy who never washed his sheets, and the second time I came over I noticed I was seeing the same sheets from two weeks ago. I asked him about the sheets and in a defensive tone he said, “They’re Clean!” He proceeded to spray Febreze on the sheets, as if that was going to magically rid them of the smell, and days worth of germs, and dead skin. I was disgusted, and shocked! Here was a man who seemed to have it together, yet he couldn’t even wash and change his sheets regularly. He used to walk around like he was god’s gift to earth, and was always talking about how great he was at what he did, yet always found time to put down others like they weren’t on his level. Grown ass men should know how to;  regularly do their laundry, wash and condition their hair, exfoiliate, cleanse and moisturize their bodies, brush and floss (and use mouthwash), use deodorant, and overall stay well-groomed. Men ask so much of women, and we do so much for them, yet there is no reciprocity! Ladies, just because someone seems like your ideal man does not mean they are; ask questions about their hygiene early, and pay attention to all the details. It is not our job to teach them how to take care of themselves, and we don’t have to put up with narcissistic assholes that add no value to our lives; the men who truly complement us will come when they’re supposed to, don’t force a relationship with the wrong one. Maybe dating someone with ambition, who is building something for themselves, while also supporting your goals is the way to go. That’s all I have for today, I’ll be back soon!

P.S. This is bout the only time you’ll see a post without a woman’s picture attached, but the reason you see the incredibly fine Morris Chestnut is because his character James in the movie Think Like A Man, is the kind of self-absorbed man I’m talking about. Taraji P. Henson’s character Lauren almost lost a good man chasing after what she thought she wanted. Again, those ideal men are not always what they’re cracked up to be. See ya!

Ayyyy man, be clear…

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. It’s been a minute but I’m back now, and listening to soulful tracks as I write. I’ve been in the process of preparing for a move, and so writing was not my top priority, but enough of all that; today I want to discuss the murky lines of defining the relationship. I know we have all been in a position where we just don’t know what the fuck we’re doing; is it dating? are we just cooling? are we together? is it just sex?, but I don’t want to just explore that though. It’s stressful enough when you don’t know what it is, but how about when you define the relationship early on, and then one of you don’t stay true to that? Not sure if ya’ll get it so I’ll break it down. You meet someone and they say they just want to date, no strings attached and all is well, but then they catch feelings and want more or start getting possessive, and you’re saying to yourself, “ummmmm I thought we were just chilling you never said you wanted an actual relationship.” Yes, that simple lack of communication in being real and saying how you feel will fuck up the entire thing; then it ends, and one or both parties don’t really understand why.

One of my best friends who may or may not kill me when she reads this, was fresh out of a long-term relationship, and she decided to just “do her”; we all know what that means, she was in a hoe phase of some sort to get over her ex. The crazy thing about hoe phases is that they work if your head is in the right space, but doing it before you heal yourself is messy, and leads to destruction chile. She seemed to have it all under control but then she met a guy that she saw boyfriend potential in. They were suppose to be casually dating, and having sex, but no serious attachment. She didn’t exactly communicate it to him that she was catching feelings; and although she told him in the beginning she didn’t want a relationship, she was mad about him talking to other girls, and mad when he ghosted. Ladies and gents, when you tell someone YOU don’t want something , and YOUR feelings change, communicate that IMMEDIATELY; don’t wait until your heart is full and now you looking crazy and hurt when it could’ve been handled sooner. I myself have been there and learned from it, and I’ve also been on the other side of it, and it’s just as confusing over there.

I dated a guy who knew I didn’t want a serious relationship, but because he knew that decided to fallback when he caught feelings instead of letting me know. I had no clue why he switched up, so eventually I thought he was on games and ended it. It wasn’t until we much later had a conversation, that he told me what was happening; had he said it sooner, who knows where that could have gone. I was also in a situation where I met a guy and we started out as friends then decided to be “bed associates” (my new way of saying fuck buddies). When we first tried to hook up I was excited, but then he kissed me and it was trash! I’m someone who appreciates a good kisser, and so this was a turn off to me. At that point in my life I wasn’t about to teach a dude how to kiss, we were too damn old for that! I decided to not have sex and take a nap instead, but I’m a cuddle bug so he was confused. Eventually, I was gonna tell him I just wanted to be friends but he thought I wanted a relationship and ghosted hard. He would see me on campus and act like I didn’t exist ya’ll. I didn’t care but it was weird that instead of talking to me to see how I felt, he just ASSUMED I wanted him to be my man, boy bye!

I know I always bring up the importance of communication but my word is bond, it is crucial to communicate your feelings in the beginning, and when they change. Talking saves relationships and friendships, and it also ends them on better terms. I know most of us were raised around this annoying ass culture of two can play that game, and it may seem like it’s fun, until you’re hurt, end up hurting someone else, or looking a hot ass mess. It’s not healthy to go about things in that way, and hella immature. One of my guy friends who is also my Unicorn (if you haven’t read my Unicorn post, do that!), was the main dude who helped me realize how immature I was with communication, and after I saw that in others I realized what he met. I know when he hears me talk about this shit now he’s thinking, “her ass never listened when I said it”! I will forever be grateful that I had someone patient enough to keep it real with me about how toxic I was, because it forced me to grow, but we don’t all have that luxury so do me a favor ya’ll; when you feel like shutting down, or tripping out talk to yourself first and ask yourself why you’re doing it, and is it justified? Next, have an honest conversation with your partner (no matter what the relationship) , and communicate those feelings, then listen to what they have to say; I mean really listen, don’t just listen to reply but listen to understand, and finally, go from there and define your relationship. Be clear. That’s all I have for today! I’ll be moving next week so most likely there will be another post on colored people time. As always, thanks for reading, and please share!

P.S. This week I have a photo of Mary Jane Paul, one of my favorite TV character aunties played by my fave Gabrielle Union. Anyone who watched Being Mary Jane knew what that character went though with balancing relationships, family, and her career; she was one of the most relatable black women characters for this generation of TV. I will miss the hell out of that show ( it was cancelled); BET where is the movie?! Anyway, if you haven’t watched, check it out on Netflix! Byeeeee!

Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. Today’s post isn’t about relationships, and I don’t have anything funny or witty to say, instead this post is about a topic very important to me; it’s something I fight against everyday in every space I fill, Rape Culture and Consent. My fellow women young and old, take a moment to think about every time as a child or teen you were told not to wear something “too grown” because it was inappropriate or sent the wrong message; you were probably trying to figure out why wearing shorts or a mini skirt was such an issue, it was just clothes right? Well even though they were just clothes, and you were all innocent GIRLS, you were forced to cover up and act accordingly so that nothing bad happened to you; nothing bad meaning sexual advances from grown ass men who should know better than to see a young girl as anything but. For centuries women and girls have had to abide by societal rules that take away their freedom, and give men the freedom to do what they please. It’s so normalized that it’s become it’s own problematic culture.

According to Buzzfeed, ” “Rape culture” is a culture in which sexual violence is considered the norm — in which people aren’t taught not to rape, but are taught not to be raped.”  In the 70s women became very conscious of this and it’s still just as destructive today as it was back then. Both women and men can be victims of this culture, and perpetuating it. Rape culture is an umbrella term that includes; rape, sexual assault, victim blaming, consent or lack of consent, slut shaming, street harassment ( yeah that dude yelling down the street talking bout’, ” aye blue shirt, blue shirt” with they irritating ass, and getting mad calling you a bitch when you ignore them or turn them down), the myth of preventing rape, the friend zone, fear of reporting, false allegations, promising future narrative and male rape. I know there’s more to place under it but these are some of the most common, and relatable.

This toxic culture is so embedded in us that I sometimes catch myself saying something, or agreeing with certain situations when I know better. Recently, someone I know was involved in a rape case as the alleged rapist and I took their side, sort of.  I was split between knowing how wrong the situation was and allowing that “promising future narrative” to overtake my better judgement. After thinking about it more, I knew he was in the wrong no matter how good he seemed to be. People have to realize that anyone can be a damn rapist; your homie/bro, some upstanding citizen in your hometown, your favorite celebrity, family members, and  mentors. So many stories being told , and so many that have yet to reach the surface.

We as a society also need to rid ourselves of this notion that not doing certain things, or wearing certain things will prevent rape. I don’t care if you wearing Spongebob’s favorite striped sweater with sweatpants, or if you have every inch of your body covered, that won’t prevent rape. Rapist don’t care about all of that. Women should not have to cover up to keep men from doing something they should have been taught was wrong. We literally raise girls to prevent rape, but don’t raise our boys not to do so. Teaching consent is so important, and WOULD help to prevent rape, and sexual assault in the future. I remember on a girls trip being drunk and hanging out with some guys we had recently met. Everyone was dropping down to SLEEP, and one of the dudes thought he was getting some. My drunk self definitely flirted and teased him, but I never agreed to sex; I had just met him, we were in a room full of sleeping people, and I didn’t know anything about him. He kept trying and trying no matter how many times I said no, and even threw a condom on in the process. He ended up getting mad and rolling off to sleep eventually, but the fact that after the first NO he didn’t stop trying will always bother me.

No means no, period. A woman could be butt naked laying next to you, and that wouldn’t give you the right to try and have sex. If there is no physical or verbal consent, leave it alone, and not even physical consent cause in the wrong circumstance that could be someone in shock doing what they think their aggressor wants them to do.

In the black community, rape culture goes back for generations and stems from issues our people have dealt with since slavery. Most black women were taught that their bodies are not their own, that they are for their future husbands, boyfriends, and as children for their daddies to control. There are women who say they won’t expose their bodies because that’s for their mans eyes only (strong eye roll). At the end of the day, I don’t care who else has seen what you have, they aren’t getting next to it, like your “man” or “woman” is; they can look but what does that do to your relationship, absolutely nothing. I will always love a thread of tweets by Feminista Jones where she discussed this specifically. She said, “Rape Culture and piety tell women their bodies are temples that don’t belong to them, but to the men who created them or chose them.” Women have been taught to allow a man to work for her “nakedness”,  and that that they cannot be naked and carry the same amount of class and intelligence as a women fully clothed. Men want to be able to have as much sex as they want, enjoy pornography and exotic dancers, but women are not supposed to be exotic dancers, make or participate in pornography, and openly enjoy sex. That’s an issue; men can enjoy something but deny women the right to enjoy it. Whenever a woman is seen baring her naked self it is assumed by everyone that she was forced to do so, or does not want to be that way by choice. Enters the slut shame. When a woman shows liberation in her nakedness, she is clearly a slut by society’s standards, because even though we came into this world naked as hell, people can’t deal with someone who wants to expose themselves in that way (another strong eye roll).

We were put on this earth to love, and enjoy CONSENSUAL sex, it’s natural; rape is NOT, molestation is NOT, sexual assault is NOT, and it shouldn’t be tolerated. Stop sexualizing these babies, and women! We have to stop teaching our girls how to prevent rape, and instead teach boys and girls about consent, and sex postivity. Also, and this is a big one, HOLD YOUR NASTY ASS FAMILY MEMBERS ACCOUNTABLE FOR MOLESTING  CHILDREN! Yes, many families have an R. Kelly ass nigga living his life with no consequence while a woman is struggling to live hers because of the trauma he placed on  her. Stop covering up for them, or sweeping it under the rug. These girls and women deserve better. I’m praying for you all and hope that you find peace! Well, that’s all I have for today. It took me forever to write this, because I had to get my thoughts together, and as always have a lot on my plate; hope to be back next week on a lighter note (smiles). Thanks for reading!

P.S. This week I chose a photo Tarana Burke, the activist and founder of the Me Too movement. Please take the time if you haven’t already and read up on her story and her cause. She inspires me to continue this fight!

Crazy in Love.

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I’ve been taking some time to get my thoughts together, because there is a topic that’s been on my heart heavy; the topic of mental health. Recently, we have seen quite a few cases of suicide among celebrities, and I have even seen cases close to home. People so often ignore the signs of poor mental health, and instead of checking in on their loved ones and encouraging them to find help, they  give them lines such as, “stop acting crazy,”  “you’re being extra,”  or assuming that they will be fine and need some time. For so long, especially in the black community, we have been taught that therapy isn’t for us, and to take our burdens to the lord. Let me tell y’all something, the lord placed the tools in these therapist and counselors hands to help us with our issues, take advantage, it’s alright to want better for yourself. I have a lot of experience with mental health issues in my own life, my father being a major one; but myself, friends, other family members, and relationships opened the door even further and helped me realize that mental health issues come in many forms; people live with disorders and illnesses and don’t even realize it. Growing up, so many of us didn’t understand why our parents did things a certain way, or why we ended up making certain choices and a lot of the time it’s a result of our own traumas, and their traumas. We are taught to bury our issues, and not discuss them; dealing with everything in an unhealthy manner. I have dealt with so many issues that I always knew I had, but never really had  a name for them and didn’t know exactly how to deal with them. I was fortunate enough to meet people as an adult who helped me realize certain things about myself, and I learned that counseling is helpful. There were plenty of things however I didn’t learn until I saw them in other people, realizing how problematic and toxic they could be. I often encourage people to seek counseling, and they always give me that damn “bih is you crazy” look. People just aren’t willing to do the work on themselves for themselves and their loved ones, and it’s leading to serious destruction. I truly hope that by seeing enough people embrace it, others will follow suit and seek help.

I had a relationship with someone, (and we’ll call this person T for the remainder of the story) who had serious mental health issues. In the beginning this relationship was beautiful, filled with  passion, fun dates, and new experiences; everything quickly changed. T had a different side, and it had been there long before our relationship began. I saw random tantrums, yes tantrums, and signs of manic depression (bipolar disorder), and I’m not sure what else. I dealt with horrible communication, and T often felt attacked when I brought up things that were bothering me.  I have a soft spot for people like this and convinced myself I could help and although the relationship was toxic as hell, I felt like I had to be there. T had a son, and I felt like for their child at least, they could seek counseling; but T fought me every step of the way. I was constantly getting accused of not caring or understanding, no matter what I said or did,  it was never enough. If I spent too much time away, or more time with my friends T felt that I cared about them more. If the word no ever came out of my mouth, it was as if I had never said yes. I knew that this relationship was unhealthy but I was in too deep. T had childhood trauma dealing with molestation within the family and verbal abuse.  Instead of finding a way to heal that pain , it manifested into deeper issues, and took over their life. T’s family did not want to face the truth, and realize how serious it was, so T often felt alone; I was the only one they had. I finally let go, and it got really ugly, but me leaving pushed T to get help, and get the treatment they needed.

I told that story in the most vague way possible to protect them, but two things came from that relationship. I realized that for the sake of our own mental health, we have to realize we can’t save everyone. Giving someone the tools to find help is important but we can’t feel like we are obligated to see them through, especially if they push us away. The second thing was that mental health issues are not a joke, and we have to talk about it in our families, if not then people can hurt others, and hurt themselves. If T had just one family member who cared, they may have found help a long time ago. Issues with a parent or parents, trauma from sexual, mental or physical abuse, anxiety and depression are not to be taken lightly. Those problems stay with us for all of our days until we decide that they no longer have to. We have to support those who are struggling, and check on those who don’t talk about their problems. We can be strong, but even the most strong need to release , and talk about what’s bothering them. Let people in your life know that you care, and ask them how they are doing; even if it’s just once a month. For our loved ones who are suffering , be patient with them, and encourage them to continue doing the work on themselves. If you happen to be in a relationship with someone who has yet to work through their baggage, encourage them to seek help, and for the sake of your own mental health, let go and get the toxicity out of your life. We deserve happiness, and we deserve to be healthy in every way, don’t let anyone make you feel “crazy”  for reaching for it. That’s all I have for today, I’ll be back next week. In the meantime, if you liked this post please share, and scroll to the bottom of the page and hit FOLLOW! If you’re new to TSM, please check out my other post.

P.S. This week I used Jennifer Lewis for my image. She is one of the most talented and transparent people of our time, and in her book she speaks about her own journey with mental health; it only seemed right to choose such an icon to grace ya’ll with. If you haven’t already, check out her book The Mother of Black Hollywood.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline : 1-800-273-8255

If you’re looking for a therapist in your area, visit http://www.psychologytoday.com ; if being able to afford therapy is an issue for you, there is a way to search for therapists who take your health insurance, so money can’t hold you back from being your best self! XOXO

 

You comin’ or what?

Image result for mara brock akil

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I haven’t been in the mood to write which is why this post is on bpt. I recently spoke with an older lady, and we began to discuss sex. She told me that she has NEVER HAD AN ORGASM. I froze for a bit after she said this; I mean damn, this woman was in her 70s!  I asked her, what on earth was she having sex for then? She said, “I just thought it was something we’re supposed to do, and of course I wanted children, so I did it but I never really enjoyed sex”. I immediately felt sorry for her and I can’t stop thinking about it. A woman going all of those years without enjoying the sex she was having. I began to think about how many women in the world are in the same predicament; never really getting there, just laying there while their man finishes. Women have been faking orgasms, and boosting up men’s egos for centuries; at what point do we draw the line and say NO, this is not working. When do ALL of us decide that mediocre sex is not normal, and we deserve better. For my ladies that know full well what an orgasm is, know their likes and dislikes, and refuse to settle for less than the best, claps to ya! My ladies who don’t know, or do know but continue to settle, you deserve better, I’m rooting for you! We do not have to settle, and the thing is most people settle before they get the chance to know what real sex feels like.

I dated this guy once who thought he was the man in these sheets (Jeezy Voice). He was so loud about all the things he was gonna do to me. I have realized that most dudes who say they bout it, ain’t really bout shit; it’s those quiet ones we gots to watch out for ladies! The quiet ones will have you doing things you never thought you would; but the loud obnoxious ones, them fools are a whole joke. Back to this guy though. There was no foreplay involved, he went straight to it, which means he could care less about my pleasure. He finally got going and in the words of my girl New New from ATL, this dude was a quick pumper. Now, eventually he got a lil rhythm going, and we had a few different positions, but i did not have an orgasm. Not one. I really liked this guy though, and at some point even loved him; so of course my lack of knowledge on sex and me thinking he was the Darius Lovehall to my Nina Mosley (I was young don’t judge me), allowed me to believe this was okay. I had no idea that pleasure was something I should have been getting, and as far as I was concerned I had got it. I thought that was all sex had to offer, and often did anything I could to get out of having it. How pathetic is that? When I finally had good sex, I refused to turn back. I often think back to that relationship and how much better it would have been if our sex life had been better. Yes, it sucks that he didn’t educate himself to know how important pleasuring a woman is; but it also sucks even more that I didn’t know, and therefore couldn’t express it to him.

For some reason in this country, sex is such a taboo thing; talking about it  freely is still such an awkward conversation for people, and I don’t get it. Sex is natural, and it’s something we as human beings need, yet people get so tense when it’s brought up in conversation. Taking the taboo out of sex is the first step to women having better orgasms. I can’t imagine how many women could be having better sex if they were just open to the conversation. I was so afraid to have sex when I was younger, because I didn’t want to disappoint my family and be labeled as a hoe by society; I saw way too many friends go down that path,  I can’t believe I used to think that way, it was so toxic. Sex is more than just a way to make babies, and losing your virginity does not give you a scarlet letter on your chest! Sex is great for your body; it relieves stress, improves your bladder control, improves your sleep, and has even been said to improve heart health. Face it people, we need sex like we need water and food. So, if that’s the case, why aren’t women enjoying sex? Studies show that about 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone, and 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. Me personally, I believe that if more of us are educated about sex early on, it would take away the stigma of enjoying sex, as well as conversations around it. After removing the stigma, more women and men would care enough to learn their bodies, sexually, and we would have less women making excuses for not being able to scream in pleasure. Men, we need you to educate yourself on the vagina. Women, I want us to always value our own pleasure, and for my women who are over 70; rediscover yourself, get a vibrator of some sort and seek the joy of an orgasm, if you aren’t doing so already. That’s all I have for now, I’ll be back next week hopefully! If you liked this post or any others, hit the follow button so you know when I’m coming.

P.S. The picture you see today is of the genius behind some of my favorite shows, Mara Brock Akil. She’s the reason we had Girlfriends, The Game, Being Mary Jane and more. She created characters for black women to see themselves in. I stan. Look her up.