Short dress is not equivalent to a yes!

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Disclaimer: This article is entirely based upon my personal opinion. It doesn’t intend to hurt anybody.

How many times our society blames a girl’s short dress or her being drunk as the main reason for rape?

No matter how scantly she is dressed, it doesn’t in any manner means a yes. No matter if she is sober or drunk, she cannot be blamed. Only the rapist is responsible for the rape.

We’re living in 21st century, yet there are so many instances where a girl’s short dress is blamed for her rape.

In India, saree is considered as a traditional wear, and most of us are encouraged to wear it after marriage. Well, ever paid attention to the 6-inches gap?

Prolly, it’s way more than my less than an inch gap between my crop top and bottoms.

Oh, and what about infant girls being raped? Would you still blame…

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What his games taught me

I felt this, it was super relatable!

Cara`s Melody

I am mad at myself
for dating you in the first place
for letting you kiss me and kissing you back
for seeing the actual you behind all your BS
despite all your BS and the few times I actually met you

I am mad at you
that you are changing your mind frequently
that you always come back to me and don’t let me go (and every time I hope)
that you’ve shown me how good you can be for me
only to treat me carelessly in the next minute

I am mad at us
for playing games in the virtual world
for hiding out behind these
for not being brave and honest enough
because we let this go to hell

And again
I am mad at me

for falling into old habits
because your actions screamed so loudly yet I chose to stay deaf ; because I did…

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2019… the year of the bag and fulfillment!

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment, and anyone else who may stumble upon this blog and find it useful! 2018 was a great year, and for many of us it opened our eyes up to what changes we need to make, and all the wonderful things we can accomplish in the future.  There was a lot of death, and hardships but also, so many beautiful accomplishments and births. Every year has its ups and downs but in 2018, I know for myself especially I learned what not to do, and I began making plans for the new year. In 2019 there’s no excuses, and no reason to go back to anything that isn’t adding value to our lives; but most importantly it’s time to hold ourselves accountable and stick to our word. Every year we make resolutions and vision boards but the week after the near year we sometimes continue doing the things we no longer said we would, or never start the things we planned to. This year, get a planner, post your vision board up on your wall, and give yourself deadlines to accomplish certain goals.

When I started this blog, it was a way for me to address the experiences I had in various relationships, and share my lessons to either help or inform others. I manged to accomplish that, but it’s been rewarding because through this blog I found a great way to heal and find clarity. Every post has allowed me to revisit what I no longer want or need,  helped me to understand that I need to always put myself first, and my love for self is the most important love of all right now. I don’t want to share this light with anyone who isn’t worthy, and despite other hardships from 2018, I made a lot of great decisions for myself and put my happiness first. I began graduate school at one of the top graduate schools in the country,  I moved to the place I’ve wanted to live in since I was a teen, and I realized there was a lot of negativity coming from myself which was stunting my growth; my own thinking kept me from achieving what I set out to do, and once I changed my mindset I realized I had so many blessings there was no need in complaining about what I didn’t have yet.  There’s only one thing to do in 2019 and that’s to continue on this ride to success, and growth; I am truly excited for myself and everyone else that’s on the path of leveling up!

For 2019, I vow to leave behind toxic relationships, take the lessons from them and apply them to my life so that I don’t continue allowing the same people in; I will maintain my budget, continue to build my credit, and have multiple streams of income because it’s time for financial stability. I will pour positive energy into myself and the world, become more productive, and find new hobbies for my down time; but most importantly I will take my physical and mental health seriously, by feeding this temple with good foods, plenty of physical and brain exercise (getting my reading list together now), and giving myself the needed amount of self care every week. I’m writing this down because I plan to stick to my word, and I now have no excuse to stray from these plans. I hope everyone else does the same for this new year. Let’s bring in 2019 with our hearts and minds clear, ready to accept postive change, and get to this bag! I pray that everyone is safe tonight, and if you plan to attend church, I’ll be with you in spirit! Thanks everyone for reading and supporting my blog, I love you all and I can’t wait to see what we all achieve in this new year! Here’s to 2019!

 

P.S. Mind your business in 2019.

Don’t Touch My Crown.

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, single people who just want to live free of commitment. This post is for my fellow beautiful black women; the naturalistas, girls with the perms, and my sistas that are slaying these wigs, weaves, and protective styles. We are beautiful, and no matter what style we decide to wear our hair in, we are still queens. There’s a special place in my heart for all naturalistas though, because all of us have had some serious journeys; from chopping our hair off to embracing our natural curl patterns, waiting for growth, and fighting with our combs and products, we have all found pride in wearing our hair as it grows naturally. There’s nothing like seeing a woman on the street rocking a twist out, braids, wash and go or some other bomb ass style, and yelling out, ” Yasssss Sis, you better be out here flourishing!” Our hair journeys unite us all, and for this reason I refuse to let any man or woman who doesn’t understand this to keep me from shining in it. There are still so many people who don’t understand that black hair is beautiful, and because of European beauty standards, a lot of people can’t wrap their minds around any hairstyle that isn’t straight, or loosely wavy or curly. When dating people who are black, you won’t run into this issue very often, unless your partner was used to seeing your hair one way and you switched it up on them suddenly (that’s a whole other story for another day), but for those of us who date outside of our race, it’s a struggle to find someone who we don’t have to explain our crowns to.

Just the other day I switched my hair to Bantu Knots, and a friend of mine told me they liked my hair when it wasn’t in the knots. He doesn’t have a lot of experience with black women, and he travels in a very different circle than I do, so I understood but I also refused to let it dim my light. I started thinking about the times in the past when I worried about how I wore my hair, because I didn’t want the person I was dating, or my non-black peers to look at me differently, or think I was less beautiful for embracing a natural hair style. The thing is, I’m not making decisions about my hair based on what some man likes or what society thinks is appropriate, it’s about what I like and what I feel beautiful in. There’s so many of us women making decisions about our hair, stressing about our looks, our choices about makeup, and our bodies because of a man or the ridiculous standards the world has placed on what makes one beautiful. As my girl India Arie once said, “I am not my hair,” that was facts then, and it still reigns true today. However, there is another truth about our hair that my good sis Solange spoke on; it’s the idea of our hair being the feelings that we wear, something that isn’t to be touched because it’s much too precious and powerful for just anyone to place their hands on. These are the things to keep in mind while engaging with those folks that just don’t seem to get it.

I now know that I couldn’t deal with someone I had to explain my crown to, and I would rather have someone in my space that recognized the beauty in it instead. Also, any man who is really feeling you is going to find you beautiful no matter how you wear your hair; so with that being said, don’t switch up because the man you’re with doesn’t approve because he may not be the one for you. This is also the mindset for friends and peers who are holding on to these false ideas of beauty, be patient with them but don’t allow their words or thoughts to tarnish crown of choice. For my natural beauties, take pride in those kinky crowns ladies…I love us for real! I hope everyone is using these last few days of 2018 to reflect because I sure am, I’ll drop one last post before the new year storms in. As always, thanks for reading!

P.S. The other day I was real tempted to go back to the creamy crack, but I washed my hair and saw those curls and came to my senses. Kinks over perm scabs any day! Byeeeee.

Me, Myself, and I ( a PSA).

Image result for beyonce me myself and i

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. This is my second post for the day, and it’s gonna be shorter more of a public service announcement, so bear with me. Something that’s been on my mind lately is how often I’ve placed my worth into the hands of men. I had to take a moment and think about the times my breakups had me feeling low, the times I was ghosted, and the times I simply didn’t feel good enough for a man, as if they were too good for me. I realized that there was something deep going on, and it was my responsiblity to take the journey of figuring that out.

In the past, I’ve had the guys who broke things off and then later told me I was great, and all the things they loved about me, yet they ended things and gave everything I wanted from them to someone else. Naturally, my own issues took over and I instantly thought I was lacking somewhere; questioning my looks, personality, mind, and all that I have to offer. The issue is that, I shouldn’t have based my worth on what some guy thought of me, or didn’t think of me. I’m now in a space where if someone stops showing me attention, instead of asking myself what’s wrong with me, I say to myself well, that’s their loss. I’m recognize that I’m dope, and while these men may come and go, I still have myself, and that is honestly more fun than sharing my space with someone who isn’t deserving. So often, people feel that because they are single that equals loneliness, and that’s simply not true. Being alone does not mean that you’re lonely. Find some activities that you can do alone, and put all the energy you used to keep a man/woman, into your friendships and family. Enjoy not having to compromise, or share your bed; look at the positives of being by yourself. Also and most importantly, do the work on yourself to find out the root of your insecurity, and figure out why you feel empty when you’re alone. Everyone isn’t going to like you or find you attractive, and that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, and if you love yourself enough, their opinion won’t matter. There will be times when you want some company, but don’t just let anyone come into your space because you feel lonely, instead think about why you’re willing to let just anyone come in, and take time to unpack that. Lately, I’ve seen too many of my friends allowing someone into their space just to say they have someone, and that’s just not where it’s at; trust me I know. If someone is not making you happy, or disrupts your vibe, let them go, your PEACE is more valuable than having some funky arms wrapped around you. It’s definitely not easy, but it can be done; leave the dating and relationships alone until you can complete yourself, and feel whole; only then will your views on dating change for the better. That’s all I have for today, I hope you enjoyed both posts. Thanks for reading!

P.S. You see the queen, you know why she’s there.

I Think I’m Jealous of Your Girlfriend.

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. Today I wanna shed light on the girl best friend. Most women and men have at some point in their life had a best friend of the opposite sex, and once one of you gets into a relationship it can cause issues ( for both the friendship and the relationship). Some people are mature enough to understand that these platonic friendships can exist and not be a threat to the relationship, and then there are times when that simply isn’t the case.  If the girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t secure in themselves, they could have an issue with the friendship and drive a wedge; then there are the times when the friendship really isn’t platonic and clearly something more is going on. When your best friend is of the opposite sex, they should try to become friends with your significant other, and/or there should be a level of respect and boundaries for both of them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t want you to meet their “bestfriend” then it’s possible that more is happening there; and if they at any point had more than a friendship or a sexual relationship, then boundaries need to be put into place. I’m a strong believer in trust, and being secure in your relationship but when bae is making you question that, it’s time to have a conversation about it, and maybe one with the best friend as well.

My ex had a best “girlfriend” that he was very close to, he would talk about her all the time and he admired her; I was secure enough in myself to not have an issue with his friendship with her in the beginning. The woman was older than him, and seemed to really have her life in order, they also worked together. Everything was fine with the three of us until he mentioned to me he lived with her at some point (skkkrrrrttt); I didn’t jump to any conclusions or think the worst but I was curious to know more so I began to ask some questions. I asked him if they were more than friends and he said they had a sexual relationship at one point, then I asked if this was the reason he moved out of her basement and he said that was part of the reason; at this point I’m feeling a little uneasy about the nature of their friendship but I also knew he spent most of his time with me and if he wasn’t with me he was at work or with his daughter, so I didn’t let it phase me too much.

Eventually, the dynamic our relationship began to change, and he was spending less time with me, and seemed to be missing our dates or showing up late all the time; he was also spending time with his “girl-friend” and doing a lot of things for her, going to her house late nights to help put something together and going to her family events with her grandkids ( can’t even have your men around a grandma these days); and so suspicion crept in. I’m not the go through your phone type, and honestly I can’t believe I stooped that low but that man had me coming all out of myself; I was at my lowest when I dealt with him, and my friendships, schoolwork and activities suffered because of the relationship. I look at him now and I can not believe I allowed his ugglass (real ones know what that means) to take me there; he somehow found the insecurities I did have and used them against me, to make me feel as low as he felt. One evening he came over to my place and he went into my room to do some work related stuff and he left his cell phone out in the living room with me. My best friend was sitting on side of me as I ventured into his message threads, and I went straight to grandma’s name. I found exactly what I was looking for, and he was talking to her the same way he talked to me, and there was no way that “girl-friend” was a platonic one. I had to ponder on what I found for a while before deciding to address it because after all, I went through this man’s phone and he was gonna use that against me. When I finally addressed it he did just that, and our relationship completely changed, he didn’t trust me and I didn’t trust him. The moment that broke me down the most was when we got into a huge argument over something so small, and I followed him into the parking lot yelling as he attempted to leave; I got into his car and told him how I felt about him always comparing me to his friend and he yelled at me and told me every reason she was better than me, and more of a woman than I could ever be; I’m still not sure how I got out the car without hurting him or the car. I’m pretty sure this my third time writing about this man, and it’s because so many lessons came out of that relationship, which means I learned from them and will not be making those same mistakes again. If your significant other has a friend that doesn’t respect your relationship, it may be time to let them go and tell them to figure what it is that they want, don’t make the mistake I made and drag yourself through the drama.

I’ve also been the best friend before and when it’s truly platonic you should have no problem respecting the boundaries of your friends relationship and even possibly becoming cool with your friends significant other, it’s possible. If you are being respectful, and haven’t given the girlfriend/boyfriend any reason to think otherwise and they still think something is going on, then there’s something wrong with them and you gotta just fallback before you lose your friend altogether. People will do the most to find something wrong with their relationship if they have their own issues they haven’t dealt with, and when that sort of petty comes into your life just let your friend know you need peace and be the bigger person in the situation. The lesson for today is, be honest with yourself and your boo about the nature of your friendship and if it isn’t platonic don’t bring that drama into anybody’s life. For my people with healthy relationships that have been able to make this work, I commend you for your maturity, and ability to respect one another. That’s all I have for this topic today and I hope you enjoyed and/or learned something. I have another post going up today as well so please check it out! Thanks for reading!

P.S. The song “Girlfriend” by Alicia Keys was the inspiration for this post, her album Songs of a Minor is still dropping gems to this day; okay byeeeee!

You Probably Think This Post is About You….

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Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I’ve had writers block for a couple of days so shout out to my bestie Kotic Couture for helping me find my direction! Today I wanna discuss self-absorbed men, who constantly make everything about them , and don’t bother getting to know the women they’re dating. Most of the time these men aren’t even all that, and are obsessed with themselves or their “things” to makeup for what they’re lacking; which could be purpose, true confidence, or even the size of their pork sword (penis). All of that leads me to my second topic, men not practicing good hygiene but thinking they deserve the best of women. Self absorbed guys will date you, claim to feel a connection but know absolutely nothing about you, you could literally ghost them and they’d reach out just to talk about themselves. The thing is, there are women who deal with men like this because from the outside they’re a good look; but it’s totally miserable when you’re listening to him tell the same story for the hundredth time, and you don’t care.

I dated a guy who seemed to have it all together; he had a degree, he was handsome and made a suit look good, had a decent job and he was slightly woke. Those are the criteria for most women’s ideal man, so despite me thinking he was sort of corny, I decided to give it a chance. On our first date he picked me up in this loud sports car, and little did I know, I’d be hearing about this car everytime I saw him. He would constantly talk about the car, what was being done to it, and asking me what I thought about it. I know nothing about cars so at first I would stroke his ego a bit and say things like, “yeah I really like how low these seats are” and “I can totally tell the difference between the new lights and the old ones.” I felt so foolish, and eventually my responses were more like, “mhmm, wow that’s crazy”. Then I finally decided to stop responding all together, and I just pretended to listen, and nodded my head.  Every time I saw him/texted him, it was the same thing; his car, his job, stories about him, and absolutely nothing about me.  On top of all of that, he was very dull, had a terrible sense of humor, and the conversations outside of him always seemed forced. The worst part about him was that he had terrible dental hygiene; I didn’t notice it at first but once I did I could no longer look at him the same. Throughout the duration of us dating, he not once asked me about my day,  goals, plans, or life. Yet, he for some reason thought we had this amazing connection, and claimed to like me so much. He constantly told me how amazing I was, yet he knew nothing about me. I remember speaking to him a while back and telling him my plans for moving away for grad school. When the time came , about a week before my move, he hit me up out of the blue, and actually asked what I was up to. I told him I was moving and he seemed so shocked and hurt, as if I had never mentioned it before. It didn’t fit into his life so it didn’t matter; he didn’t even want to continue the conversation. He still found a way to make my great news, about him. Ladies, if you and a guy aren’t clicking and he’s all about himself, do yourself a favor and RUN; don’t stick around just to have someone to cuddle and go on dates with.

Hygiene and self-absorbed men seem to go hand in hand. I’ve seen it too many times, and after a while I started to wonder if anyone’s parents taught basic hygiene skills to these men as boys. These guys are always so conceited, and it’s almost as if they look for a woman to complete their “perfect picture,” even when they aren’t perfect or complete alone. I knew a guy who never washed his sheets, and the second time I came over I noticed I was seeing the same sheets from two weeks ago. I asked him about the sheets and in a defensive tone he said, “They’re Clean!” He proceeded to spray Febreze on the sheets, as if that was going to magically rid them of the smell, and days worth of germs, and dead skin. I was disgusted, and shocked! Here was a man who seemed to have it together, yet he couldn’t even wash and change his sheets regularly. He used to walk around like he was god’s gift to earth, and was always talking about how great he was at what he did, yet always found time to put down others like they weren’t on his level. Grown ass men should know how to;  regularly do their laundry, wash and condition their hair, exfoiliate, cleanse and moisturize their bodies, brush and floss (and use mouthwash), use deodorant, and overall stay well-groomed. Men ask so much of women, and we do so much for them, yet there is no reciprocity! Ladies, just because someone seems like your ideal man does not mean they are; ask questions about their hygiene early, and pay attention to all the details. It is not our job to teach them how to take care of themselves, and we don’t have to put up with narcissistic assholes that add no value to our lives; the men who truly complement us will come when they’re supposed to, don’t force a relationship with the wrong one. Maybe dating someone with ambition, who is building something for themselves, while also supporting your goals is the way to go. That’s all I have for today, I’ll be back soon!

P.S. This is bout the only time you’ll see a post without a woman’s picture attached, but the reason you see the incredibly fine Morris Chestnut is because his character James in the movie Think Like A Man, is the kind of self-absorbed man I’m talking about. Taraji P. Henson’s character Lauren almost lost a good man chasing after what she thought she wanted. Again, those ideal men are not always what they’re cracked up to be. See ya!