It’s Love…

Image result for love jones

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. First and foremost, I’m patting myself on the back for finally getting to my first post of 2019! I can’t speak for anyone else but this year started off like a whirlwind, and I’m finally finding my footing again (ouu did y’all peep that alliteration though). Today is Valentines Day, a day filled with “I love you’s,” flowers, candy, expensive dinners, possible great sex, and plenty of single people with no dates at all. Well single people, not having a date or significant other doesn’t mean you can’t participate on this holiday, and you certainly shouldn’t let it get you down. Personally, I’ve always loved Valentines Day, although I get annoyed at people who take it over the top (it’s one day ya’ll gots to chill). I’ve done the fun dates, experienced the lonely valentines day where I binged on rom-coms and ate my favorite pizza, and the V-day where I worked at night and had to kiss my valentine through the phone. No matter what situation I’m in on Valentine’s Day, I refuse to let the day go to waste.

A few years ago for V-day, I went out on a date with this guy I’d been talking to. I got really cute and I was so excited to see what he had planned. I got outside and into his truck and noticed how dressed down he was. He had on these really dated jeans, and a sweatshirt; I guess for him that was dressing up. I had on a dress and my favorite boots, and he just wasn’t matching my fly. We got to dinner and although the food was great, the conversation was non-existent. Have ya’ll ever tried having a conversation with someone and realized they just weren’t on your level intellectually? That’s what happened here, only he had no problem bragging about himself throughout dinner. We finally left the restaurant and headed on over to his place; the only thing on my mind was at least I can get an orgasm out of this. I definitely did, but I also had to deal with a messy room that smelled like an entire can of febreze masking a funky boys locker room. Needless to say, I wanted to be back on campus with my friends attending a program or watching the movie Love Jones (A classic, and if you haven’t seen it step your cookies up and watch that shit, period). Having a date for Valentine’s Day isn’t always wonderful, but it doesn’t have to be negative either. Make sure you’re spending today in a way that makes you happy; do not settle for a mediocre date like I did just to say you have plans, it’s not worth it.

There are so many positives to this holiday whether you’re in a relationship or not. First, there’s deals on deals on deals (because capitalism); the powers that be created this day just so we could spend our hard-earned money or someone else’s. Spending money on Valentines Day is wonderful because there are discounts on EVERYTHING! You can find a bargain on you’re favorite online clothing store, on flowers, cards and candy ( I sang this in my best Usher voice), restaurants with two for one dinners ( for my couples on a budget), and lots of other great adult activities being promoted on groupon. Who doesn’t love saving money? Secondly, if you’re in a relationship or dating it’s the perfect reason to get and give gifts. We all love getting cute gifts, and new shit; we may as well do it over dinner and thank bae during sex later right? Thirdly, and this is for my single fam (we out here), the possibilities of how to spend this day are endless for us (as long as you aren’t working the whole day, and if you are there’s still ways uhkay). As single folks, we can get together with our other single friends to go out and party, have a game night, avoid having to spend money on someone other than ourselves (unless it’s your mama), and set aside time for pampering. Some of us have kids to be our valentines, some choose to stay in and eat good food and watch their favorite love films, while others snuggle up with a book they’ve been wanting to read. If you’re working tonight, order yourself a good dinner for your break, and take advantage of any gifts your job gives to employees. If you’re one of those people longing for a relationship and really wishing you had a date for the night, hit up a speed dating event, or a party where you wear the color representing your relationship status. You could go home with a new or potential bae, and it beats sitting inside sobbing over a pint of ice cream. Self care, selflessly giving to others to lift their spirits, or just taking advantage of all the online promo codes today are all forms of Love. I know many people love to bash this holiday for so many reasons, but it’s more fun to just join in because complaining won’t stop it from coming each and every year, and you’ll be wishing you used that coupon you got several emails about. I hope everyone enjoys today, but most importantly I hope everyone spreads love and joy in all spaces you step foot in.

I’m still working on creating a consistent schedule that allows me to do everything I need and love to do, so I’m not 100% sure when I’ll post again. I appreciate everyone’s patience, and hopefully it won’t be too long of a wait. As always, thanks for reading.

 

P.S. I meant what I said about watching Love Jones. Also, pray for me; I said I was no longer eating cheese but I’m tempted to buy a heart-shaped pizza later today. Forever a ninja turtle. Byeeeee!

Count for what?

Image result for eartha kitt

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. There was a meme on IG the other day about a woman having options, and how difficult it was to choose just one to come over. I sent it to my group chats, and my friends made comments. One of my friends said, that was about to be her, and the other one said it brought back memories for her. In my pool of friends, I have those who had their hoe phases then find someone worth being with, the ones that break up with their ain’t shit boyfriends and decide to have hoe phases, and then the ones like me who live in the moment, and for us our love life is based on how we feel at that time; I may have a line of dudes I entertain and then decide I want a boyfriend, or I may want to focus on one person exclusively. I’m 23 years old, and I have my whole life to find a husband, for now it’s all about me, and my selfish ass is no longer letting people stay in my space and take up my time when they aren’t worthy, period. One specific topic comes to mind when I think of hoe phases, and multiple relationships; the social construct “body count.”

The topic of body counts makes me think of this guy I dated once. This guy was in my DM’s for months and of course he was hella immature with his approach. This dude would send me emojis instead of words, unsend his messages and all types of other goofy shit. One day, weeks after ending my relationship of nine months with another guy (see post We Need a Resolution for background on him), the guy messaged me again with the eyes emoji. I asked why he couldn’t just say hello, and he was like oh you’re finally responding. I was in a good mood that day and entertained him; I stay getting myself into things. Eventually we went on a date, and it was very nice; I liked him but he was definitely different from my usual type. We were strolling along at the harbor and then as we were walking to the car he asked me how I felt about body counts. Immediately I go into a different mode, like no his ass DID NOT just ask me that; all of the things we could discuss and he decides to ask me about fucking body counts… NIGGAAAAAA! I responded by telling him, I think that body count is a social construct used to make people feel bad about having sex, and when people obsess over it, or judge someone’s worth based off of it, I find them to be immature and ignorant. He paused for a couple of seconds and said, “yeah I think that too.” I could tell his ass was lying, and throughout our short time with each other, he did and said plenty of other things leading me to understand he was sexist and lived by the horrible double standards of our society. He once asked me if I had on an outfit all day, and then said I couldn’t wear it anymore (it was a tube top and pants y’all) because it showed too much; get into this eyeroll. One night we were on the phone and he brought up body count again, and told me his true opinion, that he felt having a lot of sexual partners wasn’t okay, and he didn’t want to be with someone who had more than four. Long story short,  other dumb shit he did led to him being blocked, and ignored.

Body Counts seem to only be an issue when it comes to women. The more sex a man has, the more he is celebrated, but a woman having a lot of sex is instantly slut shamed. The thing is, no matter how many or how few partners a person has had, they don’t have to be honest about it, and you would have to take their word for it. The most important thing about having sex is making sure you’re safe; getting tested regularly when you’re sexually active, whether you trust your partner or not, and using protection. That’s right ladies and gents, condoms, and knowing your status!! As long as a person takes care of their body, and practices safe sex, I could care less about how many partners they’ve had. A woman or man with only  two partners  could be extremely broken, insecure and have a terrible spirit, while someone who has had 15 partners could be full of life, and have a beautiful soul. Judge someone based on their character, not their sex life, unless they’re doing some non consensual or unlawful shit, or something that’s hurting their spirit; that’s the only time I myself will judge based on sex life. Imagine how many women would be happier or could find someone who values them if they weren’t sticking it out with one guy because they didn’t want to add to their body count, or how many men would still have the love of their life if they weren’t trying to conquer all the kitties around them. No, that doesn’t apply to everyone but I know plenty of people who could check that box.  People be having sex, and with multiple partners, and it’s okay. The person being judged for their “body count” is gonna be living their best life in the future, while the haters are miserable and thinking about the person they didn’t pursue. That’s all I have for today, and I can’t say when I’ll be back; I’m busy and it’s hard to find time to write every week, but thanks for reading! If you liked this post please share, and scroll to the bottom of the page and hit FOLLOW! If you’re new to TSM, please check out my other post.

P.S. This week muva Eartha Kitt is gracing your screens. She is the original sex kitten, and lived her life unapologetically which is how I strive to be. I’m sure everyone could take away a gem or two from a woman like that!

Crazy in Love.

Image result for jennifer lewis
Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I’ve been taking some time to get my thoughts together, because there is a topic that’s been on my heart heavy; the topic of mental health. Recently, we have seen quite a few cases of suicide among celebrities, and I have even seen cases close to home. People so often ignore the signs of poor mental health, and instead of checking in on their loved ones and encouraging them to find help, they  give them lines such as, “stop acting crazy,”  “you’re being extra,”  or assuming that they will be fine and need some time. For so long, especially in the black community, we have been taught that therapy isn’t for us, and to take our burdens to the lord. Let me tell y’all something, the lord placed the tools in these therapist and counselors hands to help us with our issues, take advantage, it’s alright to want better for yourself. I have a lot of experience with mental health issues in my own life, my father being a major one; but myself, friends, other family members, and relationships opened the door even further and helped me realize that mental health issues come in many forms; people live with disorders and illnesses and don’t even realize it. Growing up, so many of us didn’t understand why our parents did things a certain way, or why we ended up making certain choices and a lot of the time it’s a result of our own traumas, and their traumas. We are taught to bury our issues, and not discuss them; dealing with everything in an unhealthy manner. I have dealt with so many issues that I always knew I had, but never really had  a name for them and didn’t know exactly how to deal with them. I was fortunate enough to meet people as an adult who helped me realize certain things about myself, and I learned that counseling is helpful. There were plenty of things however I didn’t learn until I saw them in other people, realizing how problematic and toxic they could be. I often encourage people to seek counseling, and they always give me that damn “bih is you crazy” look. People just aren’t willing to do the work on themselves for themselves and their loved ones, and it’s leading to serious destruction. I truly hope that by seeing enough people embrace it, others will follow suit and seek help.

I had a relationship with someone, (and we’ll call this person T for the remainder of the story) who had serious mental health issues. In the beginning this relationship was beautiful, filled with  passion, fun dates, and new experiences; everything quickly changed. T had a different side, and it had been there long before our relationship began. I saw random tantrums, yes tantrums, and signs of manic depression (bipolar disorder), and I’m not sure what else. I dealt with horrible communication, and T often felt attacked when I brought up things that were bothering me.  I have a soft spot for people like this and convinced myself I could help and although the relationship was toxic as hell, I felt like I had to be there. T had a son, and I felt like for their child at least, they could seek counseling; but T fought me every step of the way. I was constantly getting accused of not caring or understanding, no matter what I said or did,  it was never enough. If I spent too much time away, or more time with my friends T felt that I cared about them more. If the word no ever came out of my mouth, it was as if I had never said yes. I knew that this relationship was unhealthy but I was in too deep. T had childhood trauma dealing with molestation within the family and verbal abuse.  Instead of finding a way to heal that pain , it manifested into deeper issues, and took over their life. T’s family did not want to face the truth, and realize how serious it was, so T often felt alone; I was the only one they had. I finally let go, and it got really ugly, but me leaving pushed T to get help, and get the treatment they needed.

I told that story in the most vague way possible to protect them, but two things came from that relationship. I realized that for the sake of our own mental health, we have to realize we can’t save everyone. Giving someone the tools to find help is important but we can’t feel like we are obligated to see them through, especially if they push us away. The second thing was that mental health issues are not a joke, and we have to talk about it in our families, if not then people can hurt others, and hurt themselves. If T had just one family member who cared, they may have found help a long time ago. Issues with a parent or parents, trauma from sexual, mental or physical abuse, anxiety and depression are not to be taken lightly. Those problems stay with us for all of our days until we decide that they no longer have to. We have to support those who are struggling, and check on those who don’t talk about their problems. We can be strong, but even the most strong need to release , and talk about what’s bothering them. Let people in your life know that you care, and ask them how they are doing; even if it’s just once a month. For our loved ones who are suffering , be patient with them, and encourage them to continue doing the work on themselves. If you happen to be in a relationship with someone who has yet to work through their baggage, encourage them to seek help, and for the sake of your own mental health, let go and get the toxicity out of your life. We deserve happiness, and we deserve to be healthy in every way, don’t let anyone make you feel “crazy”  for reaching for it. That’s all I have for today, I’ll be back next week. In the meantime, if you liked this post please share, and scroll to the bottom of the page and hit FOLLOW! If you’re new to TSM, please check out my other post.

P.S. This week I used Jennifer Lewis for my image. She is one of the most talented and transparent people of our time, and in her book she speaks about her own journey with mental health; it only seemed right to choose such an icon to grace ya’ll with. If you haven’t already, check out her book The Mother of Black Hollywood.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline : 1-800-273-8255

If you’re looking for a therapist in your area, visit http://www.psychologytoday.com ; if being able to afford therapy is an issue for you, there is a way to search for therapists who take your health insurance, so money can’t hold you back from being your best self! XOXO