Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. At this point I think it’s pretty clear who I am, so no need for an introduction; if you’re a new reader then welcome, check out my other posts, I hope you enjoy! This week I’ve been thinking a lot about communication in relationships. Not only do I have HELLA experience with it, but I’ve listened to a lot of my friends talk about all their issues with it as well. We usually relate to one another on the topic, which means there are endless people walking around not knowing how to effectively communicate their feelings. Most of us have been there; you try to let your partner know how you feel about something they did that you didn’t like , or vice versa, and the listening goes out the window. You both end up talking over each other, yelling and then you’re angry and not speaking at all. I honestly used to be the person who didn’t listen to understand but listened to argue and combat what my partner was saying. It wasn’t until I was on the other side of it, that I realized how disrespectful and annoying it is. All you want is to be heard, understood and respected; but instead you get blamed for being judgmental, negative and/or crazy. No matter what you say and how nice you say it, if your partner doesn’t agree with it then it’s not facts, and you can shove it. I know, irritating as hell right?
I once dated a guy who was older than me (I’m totally gonna talk about that experience in full another time), and our communication was ASS! As soon as I would open my mouth to speak on something, he felt attacked. I once told him that I disliked the way he tried to tell me what to do all the time. He wanted to control everything, and often told me I wasn’t doing enough; keep in mind that I was a full-time student, with a job and an internship at the time. His response was that he talks to everyone in his family that way, and they don’t complain. So just because they decided to deal with his bullshit, I had to? Bihhhhhh please. He refused to change his behavior because he believed he did nothing wrong, no matter how much it bothered me. How can you love a person and not respect their feelings? Anyway, that relationship was so problematic but taught me so much about myself, and how things absolutely shouldn’t be with love. He definitely had issues stemming from his childhood that contributed to the way he viewed effective communication. His mother was a narcissist, and often played the victim role in every aspect of her life, and he definitely had some daddy issues. There’s more but lemme not step on his neck. Our relationship eventually came to an end because I refused to continue dealing with that shit. I had my own stuff to work through, I could not be his girlfriend/emotional punching bag and therapist.
Hearing my friends talk about their issues with being able to talk to their partners made me realize how often children, especially in the Black community are raised not really being able to talk about how we feel. We get shut down, and told to shut up as soon as we open our mouths. If we do get the chance to speak up, many of us are told to stay in a child’s place. There should be boundaries on parents and children as far a communication, but I personally believe children deserve respect just as much as parents. If more children have a clear understanding of mutual respect, we would have less adults with no clue to what respect in a relationship means. Respect and communication go hand in hand. In order to respect each other in a partnership, both partners have to be able TALK AND LISTEN. Many people realize this once it’s too late; and lose a good woman or man because they couldn’t come to terms with being wrong, or understand the feelings of their partner. It’s generational, and failed communication is cause of so many divorces, failed and toxic relationships. Moving forward, we have to be able to put our pride to the side for those we love. If not, then why waste your time and their time? Well that’s all for today, I’ll return next week. Hit the follow button this time so you know when I’m coming (Awkwardly winks).
P.S. This week you’re seeing a dope ass picture of Zora Neale Hurston. That woman needs her own biopic, her story has layers. Harper-Collins recently published a new book by Auntie Zora called Barracoon, be sure to check it out!