Count for what?

Image result for eartha kitt

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. There was a meme on IG the other day about a woman having options, and how difficult it was to choose just one to come over. I sent it to my group chats, and my friends made comments. One of my friends said, that was about to be her, and the other one said it brought back memories for her. In my pool of friends, I have those who had their hoe phases then find someone worth being with, the ones that break up with their ain’t shit boyfriends and decide to have hoe phases, and then the ones like me who live in the moment, and for us our love life is based on how we feel at that time; I may have a line of dudes I entertain and then decide I want a boyfriend, or I may want to focus on one person exclusively. I’m 23 years old, and I have my whole life to find a husband, for now it’s all about me, and my selfish ass is no longer letting people stay in my space and take up my time when they aren’t worthy, period. One specific topic comes to mind when I think of hoe phases, and multiple relationships; the social construct “body count.”

The topic of body counts makes me think of this guy I dated once. This guy was in my DM’s for months and of course he was hella immature with his approach. This dude would send me emojis instead of words, unsend his messages and all types of other goofy shit. One day, weeks after ending my relationship of nine months with another guy (see post We Need a Resolution for background on him), the guy messaged me again with the eyes emoji. I asked why he couldn’t just say hello, and he was like oh you’re finally responding. I was in a good mood that day and entertained him; I stay getting myself into things. Eventually we went on a date, and it was very nice; I liked him but he was definitely different from my usual type. We were strolling along at the harbor and then as we were walking to the car he asked me how I felt about body counts. Immediately I go into a different mode, like no his ass DID NOT just ask me that; all of the things we could discuss and he decides to ask me about fucking body counts… NIGGAAAAAA! I responded by telling him, I think that body count is a social construct used to make people feel bad about having sex, and when people obsess over it, or judge someone’s worth based off of it, I find them to be immature and ignorant. He paused for a couple of seconds and said, “yeah I think that too.” I could tell his ass was lying, and throughout our short time with each other, he did and said plenty of other things leading me to understand he was sexist and lived by the horrible double standards of our society. He once asked me if I had on an outfit all day, and then said I couldn’t wear it anymore (it was a tube top and pants y’all) because it showed too much; get into this eyeroll. One night we were on the phone and he brought up body count again, and told me his true opinion, that he felt having a lot of sexual partners wasn’t okay, and he didn’t want to be with someone who had more than four. Long story short,  other dumb shit he did led to him being blocked, and ignored.

Body Counts seem to only be an issue when it comes to women. The more sex a man has, the more he is celebrated, but a woman having a lot of sex is instantly slut shamed. The thing is, no matter how many or how few partners a person has had, they don’t have to be honest about it, and you would have to take their word for it. The most important thing about having sex is making sure you’re safe; getting tested regularly when you’re sexually active, whether you trust your partner or not, and using protection. That’s right ladies and gents, condoms, and knowing your status!! As long as a person takes care of their body, and practices safe sex, I could care less about how many partners they’ve had. A woman or man with only  two partners  could be extremely broken, insecure and have a terrible spirit, while someone who has had 15 partners could be full of life, and have a beautiful soul. Judge someone based on their character, not their sex life, unless they’re doing some non consensual or unlawful shit, or something that’s hurting their spirit; that’s the only time I myself will judge based on sex life. Imagine how many women would be happier or could find someone who values them if they weren’t sticking it out with one guy because they didn’t want to add to their body count, or how many men would still have the love of their life if they weren’t trying to conquer all the kitties around them. No, that doesn’t apply to everyone but I know plenty of people who could check that box.  People be having sex, and with multiple partners, and it’s okay. The person being judged for their “body count” is gonna be living their best life in the future, while the haters are miserable and thinking about the person they didn’t pursue. That’s all I have for today, and I can’t say when I’ll be back; I’m busy and it’s hard to find time to write every week, but thanks for reading! If you liked this post please share, and scroll to the bottom of the page and hit FOLLOW! If you’re new to TSM, please check out my other post.

P.S. This week muva Eartha Kitt is gracing your screens. She is the original sex kitten, and lived her life unapologetically which is how I strive to be. I’m sure everyone could take away a gem or two from a woman like that!

You comin’ or what?

Image result for mara brock akil

Hello to all my serial monogamist, serial daters, and single people who just want to live free of commitment. I haven’t been in the mood to write which is why this post is on bpt. I recently spoke with an older lady, and we began to discuss sex. She told me that she has NEVER HAD AN ORGASM. I froze for a bit after she said this; I mean damn, this woman was in her 70s!  I asked her, what on earth was she having sex for then? She said, “I just thought it was something we’re supposed to do, and of course I wanted children, so I did it but I never really enjoyed sex”. I immediately felt sorry for her and I can’t stop thinking about it. A woman going all of those years without enjoying the sex she was having. I began to think about how many women in the world are in the same predicament; never really getting there, just laying there while their man finishes. Women have been faking orgasms, and boosting up men’s egos for centuries; at what point do we draw the line and say NO, this is not working. When do ALL of us decide that mediocre sex is not normal, and we deserve better. For my ladies that know full well what an orgasm is, know their likes and dislikes, and refuse to settle for less than the best, claps to ya! My ladies who don’t know, or do know but continue to settle, you deserve better, I’m rooting for you! We do not have to settle, and the thing is most people settle before they get the chance to know what real sex feels like.

I dated this guy once who thought he was the man in these sheets (Jeezy Voice). He was so loud about all the things he was gonna do to me. I have realized that most dudes who say they bout it, ain’t really bout shit; it’s those quiet ones we gots to watch out for ladies! The quiet ones will have you doing things you never thought you would; but the loud obnoxious ones, them fools are a whole joke. Back to this guy though. There was no foreplay involved, he went straight to it, which means he could care less about my pleasure. He finally got going and in the words of my girl New New from ATL, this dude was a quick pumper. Now, eventually he got a lil rhythm going, and we had a few different positions, but i did not have an orgasm. Not one. I really liked this guy though, and at some point even loved him; so of course my lack of knowledge on sex and me thinking he was the Darius Lovehall to my Nina Mosley (I was young don’t judge me), allowed me to believe this was okay. I had no idea that pleasure was something I should have been getting, and as far as I was concerned I had got it. I thought that was all sex had to offer, and often did anything I could to get out of having it. How pathetic is that? When I finally had good sex, I refused to turn back. I often think back to that relationship and how much better it would have been if our sex life had been better. Yes, it sucks that he didn’t educate himself to know how important pleasuring a woman is; but it also sucks even more that I didn’t know, and therefore couldn’t express it to him.

For some reason in this country, sex is such a taboo thing; talking about it  freely is still such an awkward conversation for people, and I don’t get it. Sex is natural, and it’s something we as human beings need, yet people get so tense when it’s brought up in conversation. Taking the taboo out of sex is the first step to women having better orgasms. I can’t imagine how many women could be having better sex if they were just open to the conversation. I was so afraid to have sex when I was younger, because I didn’t want to disappoint my family and be labeled as a hoe by society; I saw way too many friends go down that path,  I can’t believe I used to think that way, it was so toxic. Sex is more than just a way to make babies, and losing your virginity does not give you a scarlet letter on your chest! Sex is great for your body; it relieves stress, improves your bladder control, improves your sleep, and has even been said to improve heart health. Face it people, we need sex like we need water and food. So, if that’s the case, why aren’t women enjoying sex? Studies show that about 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone, and 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. Me personally, I believe that if more of us are educated about sex early on, it would take away the stigma of enjoying sex, as well as conversations around it. After removing the stigma, more women and men would care enough to learn their bodies, sexually, and we would have less women making excuses for not being able to scream in pleasure. Men, we need you to educate yourself on the vagina. Women, I want us to always value our own pleasure, and for my women who are over 70; rediscover yourself, get a vibrator of some sort and seek the joy of an orgasm, if you aren’t doing so already. That’s all I have for now, I’ll be back next week hopefully! If you liked this post or any others, hit the follow button so you know when I’m coming.

P.S. The picture you see today is of the genius behind some of my favorite shows, Mara Brock Akil. She’s the reason we had Girlfriends, The Game, Being Mary Jane and more. She created characters for black women to see themselves in. I stan. Look her up.